Setting Sun
by xNicoleRose215x
Summary: Set after Breaking Dawn. It's a year after Bella's change & Renesmee's birth. Bella & Edward are living a happy life with the Cullen's & Nessie. But when something horrible disrupts their perfect world, will they be able to recover? Rated M to be safe.
1. Perfection

**Well, here is another one of my stories. I started posting it on another site about a year ago, but recently there was a problem and all the fanfics posted on there got deleted. So rather than repost there, I figured I'd just bring it over here. I have 12 chapters done so far, but I'll probably be posting once a week, maybe more depending on its popularity. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!!!! I have so many alerts for Permanently Yours, but only like 4 or 5 people have reviewed the last two chapters. Reviews make me happy so please let me know what you think.**

**Disclaimer: All characters and anything that happened in any of the four Twilight Saga books belong to Stephenie Meyer. Only this original story is mine.**

* * *

Ok, so this takes place after Breaking Dawn. It begins at the one year mark of Bella's transformation, which is also Renesmee's 1st birthday even though she looks years older by now. Things couldn't possibly get any better… seriously. Because no sooner than the moment that true happiness is discovered, it all goes straight to hell. Find out what happens when the Cullens realize that being vampires doesn't make them any less of what they are first and foremost--men and women. Be there as lots of drama forces itself on our beloved characters. So get ready and brace yourself for the unexpected as someone leaves, someone shows up, tears are shed (literally and figuratively), time becomes irrelevant, relationships are threatened, secrets are revealed and lives, or should I say existences, are changed forever.

P R E F A C E

Every morning, the sun rises to start a new day. The stars fade away. The sky turns from black to blue. The birds awaken and sing their songs. It's been like that since the dawn of time.

Time. Time means little to someone who continuously witnesses the changeover from night to day. To someone whose life is a never-ending existence, time barely exists. But when such an existence is in jeopardy, change is pretty much inevitable.

I thought I'd faced all the horrors the world had to offer. I'd fought many battles and ultimately won the war. Who could possibly know that just when everything became perfect, it would all come crashing down?

Certainly not me.

What would you do if you got everything you always wanted? What if happiness was all you could feel, peace was all you could see? What if you believed with all your heart that nothing could ever take that kind of joy, that kind of _love_, away from you?

Would you believe it when life proved you wrong? And more importantly, would you let it take away your love?

1 . P E R F E C T I O N

_Things just don't get any better than this,_ I thought to myself.

I was laying in the big white bed in the middle of my bedroom. The sun was starting to shine through the glass doors that led to the little garden outside. My long brown hair fell loosely around my face and the white sheets were pulled up to my chest. My pearly white arms were wrapped around my gorgeous husband, as were his around me.

I loved moments like this. I was most content when we were snuggled in each other's arms so securely. It made me feel safe, like nothing could touch me here.

Edward pressed his lips to the top of my head and chuckled.

"What's so funny?" I asked him. I looked up towards his face but all I could see was the silky smooth skin of his neck.

"It seems like these moments never last long enough," he replied, his voice as soft as velvet. It was my turn to chuckle at the fact that our minds were on the exact same page. He continued, "Nessie's thoughts are becoming more coherent. She'll probably be waking up in a few minutes. She's too excited to sleep any longer."

I shifted so that I could prop myself up on my elbow. I looked into his golden eyes. I saw the reflection of my own eyes in his. Mine were the color of butterscotch. I'd been so happy when the crimson color they'd been for my first few months as a vampire started to noticeably fade away.

"Well, she's got every right to be excited. Today's her first birthday," I said. I sighed heavily. "Although, I wish she actually _looked_ like she was turning one today. Just thinking about how off-balanced it is makes me feel like I've somehow missed out on years of her life."

It still unsettled me quite a bit that my daughter, my precious Renesmee, grew and developed so rapidly. She started speaking just a week after she was born, only to be walking a couple of weeks later. Now, I had to cope with the fact that she was the size of a six or seven-year-old only a year after she'd come into this world. And in only six more year's time, she'd be fully grown. The thought sent a slight shiver down my spine.

Edward moved one of his hands to my face and stroked my cheek. He exhaled sharply blowing his sweet breath, which was honey and lilac scented just like his skin, into my face. I smiled slightly as he spoke.

"I know," he said soothingly. "But at least we know that she's going to be all right and that we've got forever with her." He smiled my favorite crooked smile at me.

"True," I agreed. It was hard not to agree with him when he was dazzling me which I noticed seemed to happen a little bit more frequently than when I was human, probably because I could see him really vividly now through my stronger eyes.

Then he leaned his head forward so that our foreheads were touching. His smile grew wider as he spoke.

"And aren't _you_ the least bit excited about today? After all, you're celebrating something too."

I pretended like I didn't know what he was talking about. "Not sure what you mean," I shrugged.

"C'mon, Bella. It's okay to be happy. You had an extraordinary year. You took to being a vampire so effortlessly. Your first year down is a big accomplishment. You didn't lose your temper, or control of your strength. You didn't--"

"Kill anyone?" I cut in.

"Well, yeah! Seriously, not many vampires can say that. You were around humans from the very beginning and never had a problem. It's something to be quite proud of actually, considering the way we choose to live. You didn't slip, not even once. It's very impressive, love. _I'm_ proud of you," he said, kissing the tip of my nose.

I giggled, "Well, thank you. But in all seriousness, I'm not so sure that I am happy to have this year behind me."

"Why not?"

"Honestly, Edward. You know as well as I do that this means we're closer to leaving Forks. We can't stay here much longer."

"Things are really good right now. You're right, we won't be able to stay too much longer, but I see no reason why we can't stay at least through next May. That's another eight months. We can have one more fall, winter and spring here. And to make up for last year, we can make them good ones," he said, smiling again.

"I suppose you're right. But this past spring wasn't bad. Why do we need another spring here?" I asked, confused.

Then I realized, before he could answer me, what would make him want to stay till the spring.

"Our meadow," we both said together.

"It's most beautiful in the spring," he said. "And it's our special place, just yours and mine. I want one more spring here with you."

"But it's not like we can't ever come back just to visit it and spend a little time there, right?"

"Why are you so ready to just up and leave Forks?" he demanded, lifting his head up a few inches. "Don't you want a little more time here? With Charlie?"

"Of course I do. It's just that…" I trailed off.

"Just that what?"

I sighed. I didn't want to speak it, just in case I jinxed it. I pushed my shield aside and let him into my mind. This was almost too easy to do now because I'd spent so much time practicing it with him. I thought my response, knowing he could hear me.

_It's just that, I don't want anything to mess this up. Everything's been so perfect the last several months and I'm afraid that staying here longer could end up ruining that. _I was getting worried just thinking about it. _We've had enough problems to last us a dozen lifetimes. I don't think I could handle it if anything else happened._

He held me tighter and looked deeply into my eyes.

"Bella, you don't have to worry. Nothing's going to happen if we spend a few more months here. All of our troubles are behind us."

_You don't know that for sure_ I thought.

"Okay, let me rephrase that: I'm not going to let anything happen. You're safe, Nessie's safe, we're happy, and that's how it's going to stay. I promise."

I reached my hand up to pull his face back to mine. I kissed him with so much passion that it should have been illegal to do so. He held me even tighter as I kissed him down his jaw line and throat. Eventually, I rested my head back down on his chest and sighed, feeling content yet again.

_I love you_ I thought.

He let out a low chuckle.

"I love you, too" he said, kissing my hair. "Forever."

_And ever_ I added.

Then he asked, "Is that the only reason you're upset that your first year as a vampire is over?"

He knew me too well.

_There may be one other reason why I'm sad to see it come to an end_ I thought. I put my shield back in its place, shutting him out.

"Which is?" he pressed.

"Well, I kind of enjoyed the strength that came with being a newborn" I spoke out loud. "Now that my first year's up, all that raw power is gone."

"It's not all gone that quickly. _Is it?_ I mean, I know things were sort of different for you. Like I said, I've never seen a newborn take so well to this life. But is all of your strength really gone already?"

"Kind of. I mean, for the last month I would say, I've felt it sort of slipping away. There are still times when I get, let's call them power surges, and I'm just as strong as I was when I was changed. But most of the time, I feel very weak. Almost like what was normal for me as a human. And when I do get those power surges, they're very random. I have no control over them at all. Plus, they only last a few seconds at the most. It's just kind of discouraging to have it all fade away so fast."

"Why is this the first time I'm hearing about this? How come you didn't tell me?" he asked, pulling my chin up to look at him.

"It's not like there's anything you can do about it. It's going to happen. I just have to deal with it."

"Well, you'll be able to build your strength up again. As time goes on, you'll get a bit stronger. In the meantime, don't fret. I'm more than strong enough for the both of us."

He flexed a little bit, showing off. I couldn't help but laugh.

"How is it that Nessie and I somehow got lucky enough to deserve you?" I asked him, smiling.

"You've got that backwards, love. I'm still not sure that I deserve either of you." He pressed his finger to my lips to prevent me from objecting to his statement. He continued, "And speaking of Nessie, she's awake now. She's going to be running in here probably within the next sixty seconds, so we'd better get dressed."

We got up out of bed and darted to our severely oversized closet. I put on a pair of fitted black jeans and a royal blue tank top. I was getting better at dressing stylishly. Alice had repeatedly given me hell for not putting the massive amounts of clothes she had stuffed my closet with to good use. So I let her show me what was "acceptable" a few times. Now I knew how to dress comfortably to please myself but fashionable enough to please her as well. Edward pulled on a pair of khakis and a white t-shirt. We stood side by side in the full-length mirror for half a second. Honestly, we would've looked stunning if we were simply wearing burlap sacks. It still amazed me a little bit that I had gone from looking like an ordinary and rather frumpy human girl to this jaw-dropping beauty.

The amount of time that had passed since we jumped out of bed was barely even eight seconds. I pulled Edward by the hand back to the enormous white bed and plopped down on it. He joined me and pulled me close as his lips found mine. It took everything we had to remember to keep it G-Rated. But when we heard the soft footsteps running towards our room, we somehow managed to break apart.

"Momma! Daddy! I'm up," Nessie shouted as she ran into the room and jumped onto the bed with us.

Edward and I laughed.

"We can see that," he said, smiling an adoring smile at our beautiful daughter.

Nessie shouted again, "It's September ninth!"

"Yes, it is," I said to her.

"Well? Isn't there anything else you'd like to say to me?" she demanded. She was so cute when she got frustrated.

I threw my arms around her and pulled her close to my chest. Edward wrapped his arms around both of us as I spoke.

"Happy Birthday, Renesmee Carlie Cullen! I love you, my beautiful little girl," I exclaimed as I showered her with kisses.

She giggled, her high-pitched voice ringing like bells. She hugged Edward and I as tight as she could.

"I love you both, too."

I pulled away from her slightly to look at her. She really was beautiful. Her bronze-colored curls hung freely around her face and down past her shoulders. Her rosy pink cheeks were plumped up because of her huge smile. Her milk chocolate brown eyes looked at me, then shifted to Edward, and back to me again. I realized Edward had been looking at her intensely, too.

"Why are you both staring at me?" Nessie asked, a little taken aback.

Edward chuckled, "We're not staring at you, sweetheart. We're just… admiring you."

"Why?"

"Because you're so beautiful and so precious and--"

"You're completely ours," I interjected. Thinking back to the whole "who doesn't deserve whom" conversation I'd just had with Edward, I realized that neither of us deserved a child as remarkable as our little Renesmee. "Honestly Nessie, Daddy and I are trying to figure out how we ever got lucky enough to have you for a daughter. You're our amazing little miracle."

"And although we're completely baffled by how extraordinary you are, we couldn't be happier that you're ours and that we get to love and cherish you forever," Edward finished.

Renesmee blushed a vibrant red. She hated when we talked about her like that, like she was the most sacred thing in the world. But it was true. She was a million times more sacred to her father and I then she would ever know.

"C'mon, stop it," she pleaded. "Can't you guys ever just tell me you love me without getting so overly-emotional about it?"

It still dumbfounded me a little bit at how perfectly she spoke, too. Cognitively, she was fully developed; intellectually, she was just as smart as Edward or I was. Again, it was a bit frightening. But I was learning to be okay with it.

"Hmm, nope. Sorry," I replied.

"Humph! Well, can you at least promise not to do it in front of the whole family today? I know I'll probably hear it from them too, but you guys always lay it on so thick! You've already said it today. I'm special, I know. You love me very much, more than I'll ever be able to comprehend. Okay, got it. So can that just be it for today? Please?"

"It sounds to me like someone's a little embarrassed."

"Well, yeah! All anyone ever does is talk about how wonderful I am! Like I'm the most important thing in the world."

"Well, in our world, you are."

"But Momma, I don't like being treated that way. I'm not any more special than you or Daddy or Jacob or Grandpa Charlie or anybody. I'm just me. And quite frankly, it's a little annoying. I hate having everyone fawn over me so much. I don't like being the center of attention at all."

Edward laughed, "Renesmee, you are exactly like your mother in so many ways. You're like a little clone of her."

I scowled at Edward and said, "She's just like you too, you know. She may have my personality and persistence, but she's got your resistant mindset as well as your attitude. It's a tie with the stubbornness though, she definitely gets that from both of us."

He laughed again and I couldn't help but laugh, too. Nessie became very impatient during the fifteen seconds it took for us to say that.

"Hello?! Are either of you even going to acknowledge what I said? Or are you simply just going to keep on doing what I asked you not to?" she all but shrieked at us.

Edward crushed her to his chest and kissed the top of her head.

"Nessie," he said, "we're sorry that we love you so much it's hard for us to contain it. You're right though. We do seem to fawn over you a bit too much. So your mother and I promise that we'll _try_ to keep it under control. Okay?"

"Okay," she murmured.

She pressed her small hand to his cheek and he chuckled.

"Hmm, that sounds like fun. But do you think we'll get away with it?"

"Only one way to find out," she grinned widely.

It was very frustrating for me to watch them have these mostly silent conversations. I wanted to be in on their discussions.

"What are you two plotting?" I demanded.

They both turned to face me with devilish grins. A playful growl rumbled deep in Edward's chest and Nessie giggled uncontrollably. Then they pounced forward and landed on top of me, forcing me to lay flat. I laughed as Nessie tickled me and in turn Edward tickled her. After a few seconds, Nessie snuggled to my chest.

"I love you, Momma," she said.

"I love you too, baby."

"I love you, Daddy."

Edward pulled both of us into his arms. "And I love you," he stated. "Both my girls." He let out a heavy sigh. "And now that we've established that we all love each other, we should get moving." He turned his head towards the front of the cottage and said, probably a little louder than necessary, "Okay, Alice. Calm down. We're coming. Go back to the house; we'll be there in two minutes." He turned back to us. "C'mon. They're getting antsy waiting for us."

Frowning, Nessie and I followed when he got up and walked towards the door. We walked through the small living room and out the front door. Edward picked Nessie up and swung her onto his back. He held out his hand for mine and I took it. With that, we started running.

There were no words to describe how I felt about running. It was so, I don't know, exhilarating. I loved zipping around at a speed that even my Ferrari couldn't match. And despite how fast I could run, I was still able to see and smell everything as clearly as I could if I were standing still. That part I really loved; it was like I didn't have to miss anything. I was still getting used to my unbelievably spacey mind because now there was too much room. It was like I had ninety-five percent of my brain space still available. It was just wonderful.

We made it up to the house in a matter of two minutes. I could already tell that Alice had gone overboard yet again with celebration plans. I could see the damage as soon as we made the jump across the river. Nessie jumped off Edward's back and took in the scene, too. There were streamers and twinkle lights (despite the fact that it was eight-thirty in the morning) hanging from the trees surrounding the yard. Confetti was all over the ground in front of us, a thick trail leading straight to the back door. I looked at Edward for any kind of sign that this wasn't going to be as bad as I imagined it would. All he did was give me a small smile. I sighed and started forward, pulling him with me as Nessie just ran on ahead.

We walked into the house and found everyone waiting for us. Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, Carlisle and Esme were all standing there with huge smiles on their faces and party hats on their heads. Of course Jacob was there too, as were the members of his pack: Quil, Embry, Seth and even Leah. I guess Jake had told her she had to come just for a little bit to celebrate Nessie's birthday. She still didn't like to be around us so much, but she was getting better at being civil.

There was a giant banner hanging up on the wall that said "Happy 1st Birthdays Renesmee and Bella!" I laughed a little when I saw it. Off to the side was a small table with a stack of presents wrapped in metallic pink paper on it. Nessie was just beaming with a bright smile on her little face as everyone joined in a chorus of "Happy Birthday." After a couple of minutes, things calmed down to the point where we could have a normal conversation.

"Wow, Alice. You really outdid yourself," I said to her.

"Did you really expect anything less from me?" she retorted with a smile.

Edward laughed, "Yes, go ahead Alice. Nessie's just as anxious as you are."

I looked at him curiously for a second and then realized what he was talking about when both Alice and Renesmee darted towards the gifts. Everyone laughed at them as Alice took Nessie in her lap and handed her the first present.

"Okay, Nessie. This one is from me and Aunt Rose," she explained.

Nessie tore the shiny paper off the small, flat box and found nothing but a piece of paper inside of it. Nessie looked confused, as did the rest of us, so Rose told her to read what it said.

"A shopping spree fit for a princess," Nessie read. "This is a promise that Renesmee Carlie Cullen will be treated to an extra long shopping date with Auntie Alice and Auntie Rose. It is also a promise that during said shopping date, the birthday girl will have the right to choose five outfits on her own which is something that is normally not allowed due to the fact that she inherited her mother's sense of style."

Everyone burst out into a fit of hysteria as I playfully growled at Alice. I knew how much Nessie liked being Alice and Rosalie's personal Barbie doll, so I was glad to know that she'd enjoy her gift. Next up was Emmett's gift. It was a four foot tall teddy bear.

He leaned down and whispered into her ear, "Just a little something to remind you of your Uncle Em Bear, kid."

Nessie chuckled. She loved the nickname she had given Emmett, whom she said reminded her of a teddy bear because he was big like a bear but gave the softest hugs despite his massive strength.

Jasper gave her an art set. Nessie loved to draw pictures and of course, she was brilliant at it. She was becoming so artistic that crayons were no longer sufficient enough for her. Jasper's gift included crayons, markers, watercolors, paints, oils, professional brushes and paper, an easel and a paint palette. She was so happy. Now she could really create masterpieces.

"Wow, Uncle Jazzy! I love it!" she exclaimed, her eyes wide with pleasure.

Jasper chuckled, "I'm glad, Nessie. Put it to good use. We could use some new works of art around here."

Carlisle and Esme's gift to her was that Esme was going to renovate and redecorate her bedroom. They were going to make it a bit bigger and Esme was going to use one of Nessie's favorite flower pictures that she drew to create a floral theme for the walls. Nessie was very excited about it.

Now it was Jake's turn. He gave Nessie a bracelet very similar to the one he had given me just last summer at my high school graduation, a whole lifetime ago. He had carved three little charms for it- a wolf to represent himself, a little girl to represent Nessie, and a heart with "BFF" carved into it.

Jake said, "Best friends forever, Ness. Love you."

Renesmee giggled, "Love you too, Jakey."

Seth spoke up and said, "The rest of the pack has a small gift for you too, Nessie. My mom is baking you a big birthday cake that she'll bring later when she comes with Charlie. It's not much, but my mom does make the best cakes."

Nessie had grown to like some human food. Of course, when she ate any kind of meat, she liked it as rare as possible. But she really enjoyed sweets. Candy, cookies and cakes were becoming her favorite thing to munch on between hunting trips.

Nessie said, "Thank you Seth, Leah, Quil and Embry. I can't wait! Thank you everybody! I love everything and I love all of you."

Edward said, "Hold on, Nessie. You're not done yet. You've got one more present from me and your mother. Bella?"

Up until now, I had been watching my daughter very closely, practically feeling all of her joy right along with her. She was so incredibly happy and I was just as happy to know it. It took me an extra second to respond to Edward and one look at him told me that he knew exactly what had distracted me; I could tell that he'd been watching her, too.

I cleared my throat and walked over to stand next to Edward in front of our daughter.

"Nessie, your father and I know how much you enjoyed making friends with Zafrina last winter and how much you've wanted to visit her since she left." I said.

"And we've been wanting to take you to Grandma Esme's island, too because it's such a magical place and you would definitely love it there." Edward said. "So as our gift to you, we're going to do both. The three of us are going to spend two weeks at Isle Esme and then another two weeks with Zafrina and the other Amazons."

Nessie's face lit up even more as she exclaimed, "Really? You mean it? We're going?"

I laughed, "You bet. But not right away. We're not going until after the new year."

"How come?" she asked.

"Because I have two weeks off from school around that time and I'm coming to join you when you go meet the Amazons," Jacob replied.

Jake had finally gone back to school just last week when the new school year started. Things were finally under control enough for him to focus on his education. Edward and I knew that he'd never be able to stay away from Nessie for a month so we compromised: the three of us would spend the first two weeks as a family on Isle Esme and Jake would join us when we met up with Zafrina. Jake seemed okay with it and Edward assured me that he really was.

"Wow, this is going to be awesome! We're going to have so much fun! Thank you, Momma and Daddy! Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

She was so unbelievably excited and I couldn't have been happier. Nessie hugged me and Edward for a long moment.

"Okay then," I said. "Now that presents are done, let's clean this up and--"

"Not so fast, love," Edward cut in. "We haven't given you your present yet."

I was still against any kind of present giving but I knew everyone would be itching to get me something. So I'd made another compromise. They were only allowed to give me one present. That was it. Just one from all of them. Of course, Edward and I would have our time together later, just like always. But as far as actual presents, one was the limit. I was rather surprised when they all agreed to this.

"Okay," Edward said. "As discussed, we only got you one present from all of us. So, here."

He handed me a small box. It wasn't wrapped and it didn't have a bow. Edward knew I didn't like a fuss. It was just a plain black satin jewelry box. I opened it carefully and gasped when I saw what was inside.

Hanging on the end of a braided white gold chain was the most beautiful charm I'd ever seen. It was the shape of a shooting star--and was encrusted with diamonds all over the surface of it. It was absolutely gorgeous. It only took me a moment to figure out that Edward had picked the charm. He always said that his life was like a moonless night before I came along. He once compared me to a meteor that lit up his sky, but I guess a shooting star made for a prettier charm.

When I made no move to touch it (because I was so stunned by its beauty), Edward reached for it to show me something. I was surprised to see that it was a locket, and on the right-hand side inside of it was a picture of the entire family. It was engraved on the left side with three dates. I looked to Edward for their meaning but it was Esme who answered my unasked question first.

"The first is the date you and Edward met--the day you changed our family forever," she said, smiling.

Alice said, "The second is the date of your magnificent wedding--the day you officially became part of our family."

"And the third is today's date last year," Edward replied. "The day our family finally became whole." He smiled towards our daughter.

I was completely in awe of all of them. Every single one of them was smiling at me with so much love clearly presented on their faces. I didn't think it was at all possible to be even happier than I already was. This gift was truly astonishing. It was so personal, so meaningful. If I could've cried, I would have been bawling my eyes out. As it was, I was very choked up, just minus the tears. It took me a second before I could force myself to speak.

"Thank you all… so much. It's beautiful… I love it. Thank you," I choked out.

Edward took the necklace out of the box and placed it around my neck. I turned to face him, smiling.

"Thank you," I whispered. I kissed him very passionately but quickly enough so that no one, namely Emmett, had time to say anything.

I thought that the new song Edward had composed for me for our one year wedding anniversary had been the best present I'd ever gotten. And it was--until now. I'd never loved a present more than this locket. Just like my loving, caring, generous family, it made everything even more perfect.


	2. Plans

**Hey there! Thanks for the reviews and alerts! I'm glad you like it! So here is the next chapter. A lot is going to happen come the next chapter... in fact, it's one of the biggest shockers in the entire story! So for now, here's Chapter 2. Chapter 3 will probably be up next week. Enjoy!!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters. Just my extension of SM's story.**

* * *

The next few weeks were simply blissful. I still couldn't get over the fact that everyone had given me such a touching present for my "birthday." They loved me even more than I thought possible.

My dad still wanted to celebrate my human birthday on the thirteenth. He made it clear when he came over for Nessie's birthday that he wanted me, Edward and Nessie to come over to his house for dinner with him and Sue Clearwater on my birthday. He still didn't know anything close to the truth about all of us being vampires and he was concerned with how rapidly Nessie grew, but he remained firm with his "need to know" rule. If it wasn't completely necessary for him to be informed of the truth, then he didn't want to hear it. I was so happy that I could keep him in my life and he seemed to be okay with things for the most part.

My mom still had no idea about anything. The last time I saw her was at my wedding a little over a year ago. Her husband Phil was usually busy coaching and when he wasn't, they were going on all these various vacations. I was very grateful for that because it meant that she was always too busy to even think about trying to see me. I emailed her almost every day and called often enough so that we were always in touch with each other. She noticed the change in my voice right away but as I got better at making it sound more normal, she quickly forgot about it. I loved Renee but luckily, she was very unaware and not too detail-oriented.

As September came to a close, things felt just as happy as they had this time last year. Of course, last year we didn't know yet what would come of Nessie's speedy growth, but we were very happy all the same. Now, we were even settled into sort of a routine. Every Wednesday, Charlie got out of work early and I would take Nessie over to his house for dinner. He made an exception for her birthday and came over to the Cullen house but things were back on schedule now.

As I pulled my red Ferrari in front of Charlie's house, I saw him peeking through the curtains from the living room. I vaguely remembered when he would do that every time Edward brought me home. I chuckled at the dim memory.

Renesmee was jumping out of the car before I barely even had it in park. I watched her as she ran to the front door and it swung open to reveal Charlie waiting with open arms for her. He hugged her tightly, like he hadn't seen her in ages. The look on his face every time he was near her never ceased to amaze me. It was like he was looking at the most precious thing in the entire world. Of course, I understood that feeling but Charlie never seemed to be anything short of awed by his granddaughter.

"Hey Bells!" he called to me from the doorway. "You just going to sit in the car or are you going to come give your old man a hug?"

I laughed as I got out of the car and I saw Sue just a few steps behind him, smiling.

I said, "Dad, you're not an old man. Even if it is just a figure of speech, you should give yourself more credit than that. After all, it takes quite a lot of energy to keep up with this one." I poked Nessie gently on the cheek and hugged my dad. "Hi, Sue." I said over Charlie's shoulder.

"Hello, Bella," she said. Nessie was now giving her a hug, too.

Charlie pulled back after a second and went on, "Who said anything about it being a figure of speech? Tomorrow is the first day of October and that means it's my turn to have a birthday around here in just a few weeks."

"That's right, Dad. So, are you planning to do anything for your birthday?" I asked.

"No, not really. I don't want a fuss. I think Sue said she's going to cook me dinner and that's not really different from any other night."

"You, Edward and Nessie are more than welcome to come for dinner that night too, Bella. In fact, I went a little overboard tonight. Why don't you stay instead of just Nessie tonight?"

I knew that Sue didn't know the whole truth about the Cullens, but she did know about the werewolves. And she knew their legends. She's a smart woman; I'm sure she's got her suspicions. For instance, the look in her eyes told me that she knew her kind of dinner wouldn't really do it for me. She was just being nice and she knew Charlie would love it if I stayed. The wide smile on his face simply at the thought of it gave him away.

"Sure, Sue. Sounds great. Let me just call Edward to let him know I'll be staying." I said.

She smiled warmly at me and walked with Nessie towards the kitchen.

Charlie beamed, "Great, Bells. Don't be too long. It looks like rain."

"Dad, it's Forks. It always looks like rain."

He laughed as he made his way inside. I stayed right outside the front door and pulled out my little silver cell phone. I pressed speed dial number one and held the tiny phone to my ear.

Barely a quarter of a second later, I heard the most beautiful sound.

"Hello, my Bella," his silky voice said.

I giggled, "That's not fair."

"What's not?"

"The fact that you're dazzling me even when I'm not with you."

"Oh. Sorry," he laughed.

"It's okay. I just wanted to tell you that I'm going to stay for dinner at Charlie's. Sue asked and Charlie got all excited so I couldn't say no."

"Okay, love. Have a good time."

There was something in his voice that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Disappointment, maybe? Just a hint of it. That wasn't like him. He never minded when I spent time with Charlie. I knew something was up.

"Edward, what's wrong?" I asked.

"It's nothing, really. There's just something I have to tell you when you get home."

My silent heart suddenly felt very heavy in my chest.

"What happened?" My voice was a little more frantic than I wanted it to be.

"Nothing, love. Really. Everything's fine. It's nothing bad, I promise. Please don't worry yourself for no reason. Go have a nice evening with your father and I'll see you and Nessie when you get home."

"You promise it's not bad?"

"Yes, I promise. Now, go."

"Okay, I'll see you in a little bit. And Edward?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

He chuckled, "I love you, too."

I snapped the phone shut and stood thinking for a minute. What could he possibly have to tell me that would explain his disappointment? My mind immediately thought that there must be some kind of danger in the area and he didn't want to be away from me any longer. But he would have told me if there was any danger. Actually, he would have been here already if there was. Besides, he promised me that it wasn't anything bad. I tried to remind myself that I would know what it was soon enough. I put on a smile and made my way into the house.

I made a real effort not to think about what Edward had to tell me throughout dinner. I didn't really pay too much attention to what I was pretending to eat; not because my mind was coming up with different scenarios as to what would happen when Nessie and I got home, but because I found the food unbearably repulsive. It looked very good. Sue was no doubt an excellent cook. But it smelled horrible. I soon found myself concentrating on how Charlie, Sue and Nessie smelled so that I wouldn't gag. That might not have been the best thing to do since my mind registered how appetizing they smelled compared to what I was pushing around my plate but I knew I would never hurt them. I didn't have it in me. I was well in control of my thirst. I just used them as a distraction--and it worked.

After dinner, I helped Sue with the dishes while Charlie and Nessie went upstairs to my old room. Nessie loved my old room because she said everything about it reminded her of me, but in a different way. I explained to her that I lived in that room when I was still human and that's why it felt like me but not quite the me that she knows. She understood what I meant and was also very careful as to not refer to it as my human bedroom in front of Charlie. She knew better than that. It never seemed to cause her any kind of stress not being able to talk about vampires and blood and those kinds of things in front of Charlie or anyone she wasn't supposed to. It was almost like she simply removed those words from her vocabulary when she was around humans. It's just one of the many things about my daughter that amazes me so much.

As Sue and I did the dishes, her washing and me drying, I sensed that Sue was a little uncomfortable. I knew that Sue really liked me. I guess it was just the fact that she was alone with me in such a close proximity that made it awkward. There was no one else around to keep up the charade for. It was just me and her--and her more insightful knowledge that I wasn't the same person Charlie wanted to believe I was. So, in an attempt to overcome the awkwardness, I struck up a conversation.

"Thank you, Sue" I said.

"You don't have to thank me, Bella. I know Charlie loves it when you come by."

"That's not what I meant. I meant thank you for being a part of Charlie's life. You're very good for him. I'm glad he has someone like you to make him happy."

Apparently, I caught her off guard. She stumbled over her words for a second.

"Oh, well… you don't have to… I'm--" she stuttered.

"I know how much you two care for each other and I'm very happy that he's finally found someone again. When my mom left him, he was a mess and he stayed a mess until you came along. I know you've had it rough too but I'm just really, really happy that the two of you are happy." I smiled the most genuine smile at her.

Tears came to her eyes as she responded back. "Thank you, Bella. I am happy. _We're_ happy. No matter how much craziness may surround any of our lives, I'll always be there for Charlie. I--I love him."

"I know you do. And I know that he loves you."

She smiled and continued, "And I've grown to love you too, Bella, as if you were my own daughter. You and Nessie mean as much to me as you do to Charlie."

"That's because you're a part of our family, Sue. We feel the exact same way."

We smiled at each for a long moment and then finished the dishes. It was getting late so I said that we had to be going. Nessie and I said our goodbyes and headed for home. My gorgeous little angel fell asleep on the way, even though it only took about ten minutes to get home. My driving had picked up immense pace, much to Edward's approval. I only floored it when necessary but at least now breaking the speed limit seemed to be a regular occurrence.

I parked my car in the garage, scooped Nessie up effortlessly into my arms and headed inside. I suddenly found myself very anxious as I awaited what Edward had to say. I heard a soft melody playing on the piano. Edward was playing my lullaby.

As I made my way into the house, I saw my angelic husband seated at his piano. He looked up and met my gaze as his hands still played the tune flawlessly. He smiled my favorite smile and I immediately started to relax. Whatever he had to tell me didn't seem to be bothering him right now, so obviously it's really not anything to worry about.

I walked into the room and laid Nessie down on the couch. As I turned around, I found Edward standing there, his arms already folding around me. His lips found mine and he kissed me softly.

"Hello," he murmured, his mouth still pressed against mine.

I laughed quietly and said, "Hello. Where is everyone?"

He pulled away to look at me and asked, "Around. How was dinner?"

"Excruciating."

His face was a little alarmed. "Why?"

"Well, the food smelled so horrendous that I actually had to focus on everyone's scent just to keep my mind off of it. It's a good thing that Nessie and Charlie and Sue don't really appeal to me. Plus, it was smart that I hunted before going over there as usual. But, all's well that ends well."

His expression relaxed a little. "I'm sorry you had to do that."

"No big deal. I'm tougher than I look. Sue and I actually had a really nice conversation."

"Really? About?"

I pushed away my shield and let him see for himself. After I replayed the conversation in my head for him, I let my shield take its rightful place again.

"See? So, overall it was a nice evening."

"I'm glad."

"So," I started, "what is it that you have to tell me?"

His face fell slightly. He looked like he didn't know how to say whatever it was he had to say.

"Edward, will you just tell me? You're making me anxious now."

He sighed, "I'm sorry, love. I told you not to worry."

"Then why are you having such a hard time telling me whatever it is?"

"I'm not. I'm just… wondering how you're going to react."

"To what?" I demanded.

He took a deep breath, looked me in the eyes and said, "Bella, we're going away."

Again, I felt a huge weight in my chest where my dead heart sat silent. I looked down at the floor. Did I not know that we would have to leave Forks sooner or later? This was something I had learned to accept, so why did I feel so devastated?

Edward continued, "It won't be for very long. You'll barely even have time to miss me before I get back."

My head snapped back up at that. What? What the hell was that supposed to mean?

"When you say 'we're going away,' I'm not included in that, am I?" I whispered.

"No, love. 'We' means myself, Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper."

I stared at him, waiting for him to continue.

"We're going hunting… in Russia. Kamchatka to be exact. You see, they have the largest population of Brown bears there and this season they seem to be severely overpopulated. There's been some problems over there lately because of the abundance of bears so we're going to go calm things down a bit. Carlisle's had some vacation time building up at the hospital for a while now so he figured us guys would go. No sense in uprooting everyone for such a short amount of time."

"How long is a short amount of time?" I asked, raising one eyebrow.

"We leave in a couple of days and I'll be back before you know it."

"How long?" I repeated a little more forcefully.

He swallowed hard, "Two, three weeks tops."

"Uh-huh," I nodded.

I turned away from him and looked at Nessie, still sleeping.

"Alice?" I called softly, knowing she could hear me.

Alice appeared almost out of thin air a few feet away from me. Jasper was at her heels with a somewhat confused expression on his face. Alice's expression was a bit more relaxed, yet there was a hint of cautiousness in her eyes.

"Yes, Bella?" she asked in her musical voice.

"Would you please take Nessie to the cottage and get her tucked in?"

"Sure. C'mon, Jasper."

Jazz picked Nessie up off the couch and gave me one last puzzled look. Alice gave Edward what was clearly an apologetic look and something suddenly made sense to me.

After they left the room, I stayed with my back towards Edward for a long minute. Finally, I took a deep breath and turned to face him. I hadn't realized that the expression on my face was complete fury until I saw my reflection in his amber eyes.

"You lied to me," I hissed at him.

He opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off before he could even draw in a breath. I stared him down as I ranted in a surprisingly calm voice.

"You told me that it wasn't anything bad. You said it was nothing to worry about. Well, I've got news for you: me having to spend a few weeks without you isn't exactly pleasant news. It's very upsetting news, actually. But, you know what? I'm not upset, which I'm sure is why Jasper was so utterly confused when he felt my mood just now. I'm not even angry like I know Alice saw I would be when I found out you lied to me, which is why she was looking at me like I was a ticking time bomb. Oh, I was very nearly angry, but I changed my mind. Really, I'm not angry. No, what I am is hurt. And extremely curious…

"You see, I thought we were past all this protecting me nonsense. I mean, I understood last year that it would take you a little time to adjust to treating me as your equal instead of the fragile little human I used to be. But enough is enough now." I didn't raise my voice at all; it just sounded like I was severely agitated, which was a slight understatement. I continued to glare at him as I went on with my rant. "There was absolutely no reason for you to be afraid of telling me about this. Unless, of course, you thought that I was going to have a complete meltdown over it. So, which is it? Was it just a reflex reaction to that old habit of yours, or do you actually believe that I'm so incompetent that self-preservation is beyond me?"

I finally gave him a chance to speak but he seemed at a loss for words. His liquid eyes held confusion, shame and remorse. I knew he was sorry. Maybe I didn't need to lay it on that thick but he needed to understand that I'm a big girl who can take care of herself for a couple of weeks while he's away. There's no need for him to treat me like I can't.

"Bella," he stammered, "I don't think of you like that. I could never think that."

"But Edward, don't you see? When you act like I'm an emotional mess, it makes me feel like you think of me as a basket case. But contrary to popular belief, I can survive two or three weeks without you. I may not like it very much. In fact, I hate it already. But I'll get through it. You know how?"

He smiled a little and asked, "How?"

I stepped towards him and wrapped my arms around his waist. I pulled myself close to him and stretched up onto my toes until our faces were just inches apart. I gazed up into his eyes as I spoke to him.

"Because I know that you'll always come back to me. This is not like before. I know that I have you forever and a few weeks time won't change that. When you left before… well, those may very well be the worst memories I'll ever have. But now, it just seems like a bad dream from a different lifetime. It doesn't matter anymore. You're here and you always will be. I'm sure of that."

He sighed, obviously fighting the urge to apologize yet again for leaving me so long ago. He decided not to dredge up the past anymore. Good, that means he's learning to let it go. He lifted his right hand to my face to brush my cheek. I caught his hand and held it there before he could move it. I smiled lovingly at him.

"I _will_ always be here, Bella," he said. "Forever."

"Good. I'm glad. Now, can we get past all this 'Bella is nothing without Edward' stuff once and for all? Because quite honestly, you're actually not my only reason for living anymore, you know. There is someone else."

Edward cocked his head and raised one eyebrow. "Who?"

"Our daughter. Nessie will be enough to sustain me while you're away. Of course, I'm going to be very bored while she's sleeping at night. I'll have nothing to do with my free time at night." I pressed myself just a tiny bit closer to him.

"Well, you'll have Esme and Rosalie and Alice. I'm sure Alice, of all people, will most definitely keep you occupied."

"Hanging out with Alice isn't exactly the kind of activity I'd prefer to be occupied with." I exerted as much of my lacking newborn strength as I had in me, at the moment, to hold him even tighter and press myself to him more forcefully for him to get the picture. "Honestly, what will I do with myself during all those nights that I'll have to spend _alone_? All I'll be able to do is imagine what _we_ would be doing if you weren't halfway around the world."

The smoldering look in his eyes told me we were on the same page. He lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist. I repositioned my arms so that they were now wrapped around his neck. I unintentionally bit down on my bottom lip as I smiled at him and I saw the fire in his eyes burn more fiercely.

"Well, it's only Wednesday. I'm not leaving till Saturday. We have some time to make sure that you have many fond memories to get you through those nights."

"Mmm, sounds good," I whispered.

And with that, our conversation was effectively ended.

The next few days went by rather quickly. I spent every single moment with Edward. We took as much alone time as we could get. Renesmee was sort of clingy, too. She made it clear that she didn't like the fact that the boys were going away for so long. She took turns gluing herself to their sides. Emmett got a kick out of it, whereas Edward started feeling guilty again. But one look from me made him push those feelings aside.

Then all too soon, us girls were saying goodbye to our guys. Carlisle and Esme weren't very flamboyant with their relationship, so I'm sure they had a private moment at some point when the rest of us weren't paying attention. Alice and Jasper were pretty much the same way but Alice planted one on Jazz in front of us, which clearly caught him off guard. It didn't seem to bother him though.

Emmett and Rose played a quick game of tonsil hockey as their way of saying goodbye. Just as it was starting to get on everyone's nerves, they broke apart. Emmett had that cocky look on his face when he shot a glance at me as if to say "beat that." Little did he expect, I took him up on his silent challenge.

When Edward was done saying goodbye to Nessie, he turned to face me. He opened his mouth to speak but I didn't give him the chance. I crushed my lips to his with as much force as I could. While our lips were locked together, I grabbed his arms and pulled them around me. He went with it willingly and held me as tight as he could. Then, I wound my arms around his neck and knotted my hands in his bronze hair, forcing his face to stay glued to mine. I kissed him with as much passion as my body was capable of.

I don't know exactly how long we stayed like that, but we didn't break apart until Emmett started making gagging noises behind us. Once I was able to assess the situation, I was proud of myself. We'd definitely beaten Em and Rose, seeing as I was off the ground again with my legs wrapped tightly around Edward's waist.

I giggled as I turned my head towards Emmett and said, "We win." Emmett growled and I turned back to Edward. "I'm assuming you enjoyed that as much as I did, considering that I didn't even realize you picked me up."

Edward laughed, "Yeah, that was definitely something. I'm not so sure I want to go now."

"Don't worry," I said as I untangled myself from him and hopped down. "I'll be right here when you get back."

"I'm counting on it."

I smiled then sighed. "I love you," I whispered.

He kissed my forehead. "I love you, too."

"Hurry back."

"I will, love."

I watched him walk out the door with the others. Almost immediately, I felt as if I were missing a piece of myself. I pushed that feeling away and reminded myself that it was only for a couple of weeks. Edward would be back before I knew it and I would be whole again.

* * *

Over the next several days, I went on as best as I could without Edward there. My emotions were all over the place and sometimes it was hard to control them. There were times when I felt okay, like it was no big deal that he was gone for a little while. I usually felt like that while I was busy doing something, like playing with Nessie. But most of the time, Nessie and I were at the mercy of Alice, who wanted to go shopping nearly every day. I'll admit, Alice kept me pretty busy. But honestly, I was starting to doubt whether or not my enormous closet could even hold one more piece of clothing.

Then there were times, like when Nessie was with Jake or Charlie and when I refused to go shopping with Alice again, that I felt like I was living in the past. All those old feelings of abandonment started creeping up on me. I tried to push them away, and nine times out of ten I succeeded. But every now and then, I couldn't fight them. I hated feeling that way, especially since I'd given Edward a whole lecture on how I could handle him being gone for such a short amount of time. I felt like such a hypocrite. But almost as soon as those feelings hit me, they disappeared. I guess constantly reminding myself that he was indeed coming back soon made me strong enough to overcome the buried fear that he wouldn't.

Before I knew it, two weeks had gone by. Edward called whenever he could and it never ceased to amaze me how happy I was to hear his voice every time he called. Of course, I had to fight for the phone every time because Nessie was just as anxious to talk to her father. She always had to tell him every detail of everyday that he wasn't there. I couldn't help but laugh every time she did that.

It was a beautiful Friday morning. Nessie and I had just made it to the house from the cottage. We walked into the living room and found Alice by herself.

"Hey, Alice. Where's Esme and Rose?" I asked.

"They decided to go shopping in Portland today. They left about an hour ago," she replied.

Nessie asked, "How come you didn't go too, Auntie Alice?"

"I didn't feel like it, Ness."

Since when did Alice not feel like going shopping? Something wasn't right here. I looked at Alice for any kind of sign as to what was wrong. She had a bit of a worried look on her face, but it didn't look alarming. Still, I needed to know what was bothering her.

"Nessie," I said, "why don't you go get yourself something to eat in the kitchen. I'll be there in a minute."

"Okay, Momma," she said and walked off.

I turned to Alice as soon as Nessie was out of earshot and asked, "Alice, what's wrong? Did you see something?"

"Not exactly," she replied. "It's more like what I didn't see."

"I don't understand. What do you mean?"

"Well, I was looking ahead to see what all of us would be doing today. I saw Rosalie and Esme in Portland. That was crystal clear. But then…"

"What Alice? Will you just tell me, please. You're making me nervous."

"I can't really see much about you or me or Nessie. I really can't see Nessie to begin with, but I see you with a small blind spot for the first half of the day meaning you and Nessie will be together at least through the morning. Then I see myself and a blind spot, so I guess I'll be with her later on. But I don't see you with us. It's really weird though. I don't know why I'm seeing this now before either of us know why I'll be with Nessie or where you'll be, but I guess that means that something is going to happen today that will most definitely lead us to that situation. But I can't see what it is. I don't like this."

I shook my head to try and clear it enough so that I could understand what she said. "Okay, so let me get this straight. Nessie and I will be together throughout the morning. Then later on, she'll be with you and I'll be somewhere that you can't see yet, right?"

"Pretty much. But like I said, it's weird. You haven't made any conscious plans to have me watch her while you go do something later, have you?"

"No."

"See? Then that means something is going to happen that will lead you to make the decision that you want me to watch Nessie. And whatever that something is, it can't be good if I can't see it yet."

"Alice, maybe you can't see it yet because right now there's nothing to see. I'm sure you'll see it when you're meant to see it. Stop worrying yourself over nothing."

"It's hard not to worry when most of the immediate future is a blur."

I put my hand on her shoulder and said, "Believe it or not, but most people actually go through everyday not knowing what the future holds for them. Just relax, please. Like I said, you'll see it when you're meant to."

"Okay, but I still don't like it. Just please be on your guard today, Bella."

"I will. Don't worry, Alice."

We made our way towards the kitchen to see what Nessie was up to. We laughed as we found her sitting at the table with an overflowing bowl of cereal in front of her. There was milk and cereal all over the table and at the exact moment that we walked in, she had a large spoonful in her mouth.

"I think I made a bit of a mess, Momma," she said with her mouth still half full.

I giggled as I said, "I think so, Ness."

I went to clean it up as Alice said, "Do you really like the taste of that stuff, Nessie? It doesn't look very appetizing."

"It's not bad. It's no mountain lion, but it's okay," Nessie replied.

"So, what are your plans for today?" Alice asked as she shot me a quick, worried glance.

"I'm actually not sure," I said. "Jacob is on a school field trip until tomorrow, so he won't be coming by this afternoon. And I guess Rose and Esme are out for the day, so that just leaves the three of us."

"I think I'll just hang around the house for a while. You know…"

She wanted to focus all her attention on trying to see whatever it was that she wasn't seeing yet. That girl just doesn't know how to listen. The more she tries to force herself to see something, especially when she doesn't even know what she's looking for, the greater the chance becomes that she'll miss something actually worth knowing. Who's to say that what she isn't seeing yet is something bad? It might not be.

"Okay, Alice. If that's what you want. I guess it's up to you, Ness. What would you like to do today?"

"Well, Gwandpa Chawlie's biwthday is coming up soon. I still have to get him a pwesent," she answered with a mouthful of cereal again, which made all of her "r's" sound like "w's."

"Renesmee, don't talk with your mouth full. And that's a great idea. We'll go shopping for Charlie's birthday present. We'll leave as soon as you're done."

"Okay, Momma."

I looked at Alice again and she still had that worried look in her eyes. I, on the other hand, wasn't really worried. There's no sense dwelling on something that hasn't even happened yet. Although, I was sure that if Edward had been here, he'd be a hundred times more worried than Alice was now. Maybe it was a good thing he wasn't here, after all.

* * *

**What did you think? I'd love to know....**


	3. Detour

**Well, here it is. Chapter 3. Just a brief little warning though: I apologize if some of you don't like what happens in this chapter or think it's stupid or unrealistic. The fact is they're vampires, so technically it's not realistic to begin with but also, it's my story and this is where it needs to go. I hope you'll appreciate it for what it is: a FANFIC. Ok, enough said. Let's get on with it!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them.**

* * *

Nessie and I decided to go shopping for Charlie's gift in Port Angeles. When we got there, I was astonished to see how busy the town was. The streets were so crowded because there were so many parents out shopping for Halloween costumes for their children. Nessie had already told Edward and me that she didn't want to go trick-or-treating, not that we loved the stupid holiday anyway. We didn't even acknowledge it last year because we were so worried about her rapid growth that we didn't pay attention to insignificant little things such as holidays, especially unimportant ones like Halloween.

It was absolutely insane as parents ran around trying to find good costumes while their kids were in school. I laughed at their frenzy. There was still two weeks left till the absurd holiday, but apparently all the good costumes would be gone if they weren't snatched up now. I parked the car and we walked down the main street. After a few stores, Nessie decided to get Charlie a coffee mug that said "I Love My Grandpa" on it as well as a new tackle box. She was happy with her selection as I assumed Charlie would be, too. We continued walking down the street in the clouded sunlight. I couldn't have picked a better day to come to town. The weather was perfect for the skirt and short-sleeved top I had on. Plus, the sun was hidden just enough and Alice promised that it wouldn't make any direct appearances.

I thought about Alice for a minute. She was still pretty nervous when we left the house. All she kept saying was that she felt as if she were missing something in the near future and I kept telling her she would see it when she was supposed to. I knew that she hated not knowing the future but if someone hasn't made up their mind about something yet, she can't expect to know what's going to happen. Still, even though I told Alice not to worry about it, I couldn't stop myself from wondering about it every now and then.

Nessie and I continued down the street. I held the shopping bags in my left hand and held her hand in my right. I suddenly got an uneasy feeling, almost like someone was watching me. I glanced around but I didn't see anything of concern. Just then, a group of women came trampling out of a store and flooded the already crowded street even more. I felt Nessie's hand slip out of mine as we got separated. My eyes immediately searched the crowd for my daughter. I saw her caught between some people who were heading towards a side street. She broke free from them and tried to look for me. I saw her disappear right around the corner, probably trying to escape the enormous crowd. I roughly pushed several people out of the way as I made my way towards the corner, calling for my daughter. I knew she was okay; I would hear it, and definitely feel it, if she wasn't. I just didn't like to have her out of my sight.

As I rounded the corner, I felt uneasy again. And now I knew why. About twelve feet away from me, I saw Nessie… and Jane standing about two feet farther from her. Jane was squatting down slightly so that she was eye level with Nessie as she spoke to her.

"Do you remember me, Renesmee?" Jane asked.

Nessie nodded and said, "Yes, Jane. I do."

Jane's eyes looked past Nessie, straight at me.

"Hello, Bella. How nice it is to see you," she said.

I walked forward, cautiously but quickly, as Jane stood up straight and fixed her crimson eyes on me. I picked Nessie up and once she was safe and secure in my arms, with my shield extended around her, I spoke politely to our unwelcome visitor.

"Hello, Jane. What brings you here?" I asked.

Her tone was full of as much fake pleasantry as mine. "Just cleaning up a little mess near Vancouver. It would've been a shame to be this close and not stop by before returning to Volterra. So I took a little detour. You seem to be doing well, as does your little one here."

She looked at Renesmee, then back at me. I tried to keep the tension out of my voice as I responded.

"Yes, we _all_ are. Very well."

Jane smiled tightly. I watched her warily, expecting her to try to hurt me or Nessie. She didn't attempt it. Yet. I didn't like this very much so I wanted to know her reason for being here.

"Is there anything we can do for you, Jane? Or were you just passing through?" I asked, maintaining the politeness in my tone.

"I was actually hoping I would be able to speak with you, Bella. There's something I'd like to discuss."

"I'm not so sure I'd be okay with that. You do have a rather intimidating presence, you know. I really don't want my daughter to get upset."

Nessie clung to me. I could see that, while she was nervous, she was also extremely curious to see how this little encounter would play out, what with the fake smiles and pleasant attitudes and all that.

"I understand. But it would only be a short conversation. Almost friendly, really. That's all."

I continued to wait for the jabbing force to attempt to penetrate my shield but it didn't. She was really playing up the whole pleasant scheme. I was very curious to know what she could possibly want to talk to me about, but I didn't want Nessie anywhere near her. I came up with a way to fix that.

"Give me an hour," I said casually. "I want to drop her off." My eyes flickered towards my child.

"Of course. Where shall we meet?" Jane asked, still trying too hard. It was beginning to creep me out.

"The field. You know it all too well. I'm sure you can find it from here."

"Absolutely. See you in a bit."

She turned and walked away from us. I felt my cell phone vibrate in the pocket I had stowed it in, but I didn't answer it right away. Once I was sure she was far enough away, I loosened my grip on Nessie and pulled the little phone from my pocket. I already knew who it was before I even glanced at the caller ID.

"Alice, good. I need you to do me a favor," I said into the speaker.

"I'm already on my way," she said, her voice full of worry. I could hear the engine of her car accelerating to its top speed in the background. "I'll be there in exactly nineteen and a half minutes. But Bella, we've got to talk about this."

"We'll talk when you get here. We'll be at the car. See you soon."

I hung up the phone and shoved it back into my skirt pocket. I finally pulled my shield back from Nessie as she looked into my eyes and rested her hand on my cheek. Images of my conversation with Jane flooded my mind as she wondered what it was all about.

"I don't know, but I don't want you anywhere near that woman, do you understand? If you ever see her again, you scream as loud as you can. I don't care what happens as a result of that. Just do it. Okay?"

Nessie nodded and said, "Yes, Momma."

I nodded back and then set her down. We started to walk back to the main street hand in hand again. We walked in silence for several minutes. I used the time to try to make sense of my encounter with Jane. What could she possibly want? It unnerved me that she was here and I hated the fact that Nessie had been so close to her. We were almost at the car when Nessie spoke again.

"Momma, why are you going to meet her?" she asked.

"Because I want to find out what she wants."

"But I don't like her, Momma! She's a horrible person! She's practically evil. I don't want her to hurt you."

I looked down at her by my side. She was almost in tears. I said, "She won't. Don't worry."

She looked as if she wanted to say something else as we got to the car but at that moment, Alice pulled up in her canary-yellow 911 Turbo. She cut the engine rather abruptly and bolted out of the car, making a beeline for us. She was already shaking her head.

"Bella, I don't like this," she said matter-of-factly. "I don't think you should go."

"Do you see anything going wrong?" I asked, hiding my nervousness.

"That's the thing. I don't see it very clearly." She stopped directly in front of me and stood on her toes to see into my eyes more evenly. I still had to peer down slightly to meet her anxious gaze. "I see you and Jane getting into a verbal spat, but that's it right now. It doesn't look like anything else will happen. But I still feel like I'm missing something and I think it's something about this little meeting. I really don't like it, Bella."

I thought about what Alice said but I didn't see any other option except going myself. I glanced at my watch; it was almost eleven-thirty. I was meeting Jane at noon. There was no one else I could call at the moment. Charlie was at work, Jacob was gone until tomorrow. Esme and Rose were shopping in Portland. Even if they floored it, it would take them at least two and a half hours to get back; I should know because that drive was one of the ones I'd let my need for speed loose on. And the guys were still on their extended hunting trip in Russia. There was no one else to leave Nessie with.

"Alice, you have to take her. Please. I don't want her to ever be that close to Jane again. Please just take Nessie back to Forks. Keep her in town though, where there are plenty of people around. I'll feel better knowing that she's safe with you. And don't worry about me; I can take care of myself."

Alice sighed, "Bella, I know you can. But I still don't like it. I don't trust that witch. I just feel like there's going to be more to it, something that I can't see yet. It's not as clear as it should be if that's all that's going to happen. Please don't go. Wait until someone can go with you."

I was shaking my head before she even finished. "I want her to leave as soon as possible, Alice. I don't like her being here. Please just take Nessie."

Alice looked up at me for a long moment. Her eyes were full of fearful worry, an emotion that didn't fit very well on her sweet, loving face. However, despite her concern, she nodded solemnly. She reached out and took Nessie's hand.

"C'mon. Let's go, Nessie."

My daughter looked at me with a grave face. She really didn't want me to go meet Jane, but knew better than to try to argue with me about it. My mind was made up. I bent down to kiss her cheek.

"Don't worry," I said to her. "I'll see you later. Have fun with Aunt Alice."

She took Alice's hand and followed her to the car. They both glanced back at me and I smiled just a bit to reassure them that I'd be fine. As I watched them drive off, I tried to reassure myself of the same thing.

It didn't take me very long to get to the field. It took me twenty minutes to drive back to Forks and drop my car off at the house. I passed by Alice's Porsche parked along the street as I drove through town. Good, she listened to me. Even though I felt more comfortable going on foot anyway, the real reason I ditched the car was because it wouldn't have made the trip through the woods. And if by some chance Esme and Rosalie got back before I did, I didn't want to have to explain to Rose why I'd taken Emmett's Jeep.

I ran through the woods towards the place that used to be just a simple baseball field, but was now apparently the scene of many dangerous encounters. As the trees started to thin, a breeze carried the scents in the air to my nose. I smelled pine, spruce, and a small herd of deer somewhere off in the distance. Jane was waiting for me; her scent was easy to recognize, as was Felix's.

I stopped running and stood very still for a long minute. Felix was here? No, he couldn't be. I took a deep sniff towards the field that was still hidden not too many yards away from me. Yup, that was Felix's scent all right. What was he doing here? Were they going to try to ambush me? Alice said she couldn't see much about this little meeting. Was this why? Were they so undecided about how they were going to attack me that Alice wouldn't have the chance to see them do it before they did?

I forced myself forward towards the clearing. As I stepped out of the trees, I saw Jane and Felix standing in the middle of the large field. Their heads were bent towards each other as if they were having a very intense conversation. When I became visible, they stepped away from each other and looked at me. I was the first one to speak.

"Well, Jane. You deceived me. I thought you said this would be a short, almost-friendly conversation. Not an ambush." I was going for the 'I've-got-you-all-figured-out' attitude.

She smiled tightly at me and said, "I honestly had no idea that Felix would be joining me here, Bella. I was under the impression that he was on his way back to Italy. I have every intention of keeping this peaceful. Unless…"

I really could have used Edward here because I wanted to know how she would have finished that thought if she hadn't stopped herself. But regardless, I decided to try finishing it for her and wait for her reaction.

"Unless I become too difficult for your liking?"

Her expression didn't change. She just eyed me more carefully as if I was already prepared for a fight that she hadn't decided to start yet.

"If I'm correct, this is the first time we've met without Edward around," she stated. "I must say, you seem to handle yourself quite well without him."

I cut right to the chase. "There was something you wanted to discuss, Jane. What is it?"

She took a small breath and said, "As much as I don't like you, Bella, there are others back in Italy who have taken quite a liking to you. Aro in particular."

None of this was news to me. I already knew that Aro wanted me to join the guard. He wanted me for my gift, my powerful shield. So seeing as this was all old news, and Jane knew that it was, I was very curious to see where she was going with this.

"Aro talks about you all the time. For the past ten months all I've heard is 'Bella is so talented,' 'Bella has amazing potential,' 'Bella would be a great asset to us.' It's annoying. And it's not just him anymore. Several of the others talk about you, too." She didn't even try to hide the disgust in her voice. "Renata wonders, since your shield is so strong, if you have the potential to someday make it stop physical attacks as well as mental ones. Caius is now obsessed with you as well. He doesn't think you'll be able to do what Renata can, but he thinks the two of you would make a good team. An unbeatable team. Even my own brother can't get over the fact that you thwarted him and now he thinks that you belong with us. Like I said, it's very annoying to listen to."

So a lot more people than just Aro wanted me to join the Volturi guard. They were so amazed and shocked by my abilities that they were desperate for me to join them. And Jane was sick of it. She was jealous of me. Probably because I was now getting more attention from halfway across the world than she was getting in the same room.

"So this is about you being tired of listening to everyone talk about me?" I asked.

"Pretty much."

I scoffed. My eyes shifted to Felix, who was standing off to the side, an equal distance away from both me and Jane. His eyes were burning into me; it made me very uncomfortable. Not that anything about this situation made me comfortable but the way that Felix stared at me just added to my anxiety. He always stared at me in scary ways. The first time I met him, I was still human and he wanted desperately to kill me for my blood. The second time we crossed paths was when he and Jane came to destroy the army of newborns right in this very field. I was still human and he still wanted to kill me.

The last time had been different though. I'd been a vampire for a few months already when all the Volturi took a trip out here. When Felix saw me, he stared at me with hungry eyes as he had done before. But there was no more blood left in me for him to desire. Still that hadn't stopped him from staring, complimenting me or winking. Now he was just there--watching me, staring again--and it was creeping me out.

"What about Felix? Is he rooting for me to join you or not? He seems unusually quiet today."

My eyes fixed on Jane again as she spoke. "Felix has always been,"--she searched for the right word--"captivated by you. He would most definitely enjoy having you around."

"And you wouldn't?"

"I'll admit that I'd like nothing more than to find a way to penetrate your shield, Bella. But no, I don't think you belong with us."

Then what the hell was she doing here?

As if answering my thoughts, she replied, "Like I said, many of the others don't feel the way I do. It would please them if you would join us. That's why I'm here, of my own accord. To convince you to reconsider your previous decision and join us in Volterra."

I didn't even waste any time thinking about it before I responded. "No, thank you. I stand by my previous decision. I do not wish to join you, now or ever."

Her crimson eyes suddenly held the fierceness I'd been waiting for. I pushed my shield out around my body. It may not have been any use in a physical attack, but this made it a bit easier to feel when someone was trying to get past it. As if on cue, I felt a sudden jab hit my protective barrier. Jane's eyes narrowed slightly as she attempted to hurt me.

"Maybe you didn't hear me, Bella." Her voice wasn't as pleasant as she had forced it to be earlier. "You do have extraordinary talent, I'm not denying that. You could prove to be very useful. It would definitely be worth your while to reconsider."

I forced all the confidence I had into my voice as I spoke. "I don't think it would be. That way of life isn't appealing to me at all. I'm rather content with what I have here."

Another unsuccessful stab hit my shield. This one had a bit more force behind it.

"If you really wanted to, I'm sure you could stick to your hunting preferences. There wouldn't be any problem with that."

"No, thanks. My mind's made up."

"Well, un-make it up! Don't you realize the kind of power you would gain by joining us? Vampires everywhere would know who you are and what you can do. You said it yourself--I have a very intimidating presence. We all do. The Volturi name does that, it gives you a sense of importance and it tells everyone what you're capable of. Surely _that_ must sound appealing to you."

"Not at all. In fact, I find that kind of reputation rather sad. Why anyone would actually enjoy that kind of power is beyond me. Now love, kindness and family--that is what appeals to me. And that's what I have."

Several sharp jabs tried to break through my shield, but I just continued my smug little rant.

"And quite frankly, I'm _happy_. Extremely happy and content, which is more than I can confidently say for any of you."

That did it. Numerous stabs poked and prodded at my invisible amour. Jane was concentrating very hard on trying to inflict pain on me but my shield was firmly in place, as always. She really put a lot of effort into it but it was no use. She would never be able to use her sadistic gift on me, but she clearly couldn't accept that. Watching her try to achieve the impossible nearly made me laugh.

"Give it up, Jane," I scoffed. "That's never going to work. You can't hurt me."

She stopped staring at me with that penetrating gaze. I expected her to become angry over having her efforts trumped again but she didn't. Instead the corners of her mouth twisted up into a tight smile when she spoke to me.

"There are other ways to hurt you, Bella."

The smug expression faded from my face instantly as her eyes quickly shot to Felix, then back to me. My shield snapped back to its regular position and I felt my cell phone vibrate in my pocket, but I didn't pay any attention to it. I braced myself, prepared to fight.

"Is that really the only way you can win against me, Jane?" I asked, keeping my voice unnaturally steady. "By outnumbering me?"

Her smile didn't waver. "That's not what I meant at all. I'm not going to fight you. But what I have in mind will definitely bring me as much satisfaction as I would get from hurting you myself."

I lost my concentration for all of a quarter of a second as I put my full attention into processing Jane's words. How could she hurt me without getting into a fight? Was she going to go after someone I loved? Edward? Nessie? Alice? I faintly felt my phone vibrate again but I ignored it. I continued processing. She said she wasn't going to do it herself. Was she going to have Demetri find them? Would Alice see it coming? I had no more time to think about it because, when that fraction of a second was up, I realized my assumption was wrong.

My peripheral vision registered Felix's leap towards me, but my body didn't move fast enough. Before I could even blink, I was pounded into the ground by the massive force of his impact. I couldn't seem to find any strength to resist him. It figures that when I needed it the most, I wouldn't have that sudden surge of waning newborn strength. Not that it stopped me from trying, though. It only took a fraction of a second more for me to figure out that this wasn't a normal attack. He wasn't trying to strike me or bite me or tear me apart. Instead, he was holding me down, his face--just inches from mine--was twisted with a sick smile and when he felt confident that I was pinned by his weight, his hands started ripping at my clothes.

Then it all happened so fast. I found my strength and used all the force I had to throw Felix off of me and sprang to my feet. My phone vibrated again but I didn't have time to think about it. Suddenly, before I knew why, a small voice in my head started screaming at me.

"Don't try to fight him! Run and keep running! Self defense won't work on him! Just run," the voice--my voice--shrieked at me in terror. In the exact same moment, a very dim memory from an entirely different life flashed very quickly before my eyes like a silent movie.

A dark street in Port Angeles. A group of men surrounding me, laughing, closing in. One of them reaching towards me with a twisted smile on his face. A silver Volvo speeding around the corner…

Something clicked in my head, although my usually speedy vampire mind still had yet to comprehend it. What were my human memories trying to tell me? Why was I suddenly trembling with fear? What was I idiotically not understanding?!

And then I got it… a ten-thousandth of a second too late.

* * *

**PLEASE REVIEW!!!!**


	4. Nightmares

**I'm so sorry it's been 3 weeks since I updated. School is really taking it's toll and with only a week and a half left until finals, I'm trying really hard to focus on passing my classes so that I don't have to take anything over next semester. Thank you to the few that reviewed the last chapter and to those of you who didn't but still added SS to your faves and story alerts. I don't want to sound like I'm begging for reviews but I'm an author and although knowing that people are reading my work is wonderful, I'd still really like to know what you think of it. Ok, enough whining lol. Here you go.**

**Warning: If you read the last chapter, then you probably already know where this is going. Hence why the story is Rated M for mature themes.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilght or any of its characters. However, I do own a large poster-board collage of the gorgeous Robert Pattinson that my amazing boss so very kindly constructed from magazine photos of him and presented me with today. Needless to say, I squealed when I saw it... and am squealing now as I look it leaning against the wall in my room lol.**

* * *

My eyes blinked furiously as I looked around. I didn't remember how I got here, but I found myself wandering around the forest not too far from the house. It was late afternoon; the sun was low in the sky. The buzz of the woods surrounded me, but I was oblivious to it. I decided that I must be trying to get home. I had a desperate need to lock myself in the confines of my bedroom and escape reality, but I couldn't bring myself to go home yet. I couldn't quite grasp what had just happened, even though my head was filled with such horrible images…

Images of a girl with long dark hair, pearly white skin and golden eyes being slammed into and pinned to the ground in some kind of clearing, a large field maybe. Pinning her down was a big, abnormally strong man with a pale-olive complexion, short black hair and glowing crimson eyes. His expression was sadistic; her expression was terrified. He was so much bigger than her, so much stronger. She struggled to break free of his hold; he laughed at her feeble attempts. She screamed as he ripped at her clothes; he simply enjoyed it that much more. He crushed her to the ground, his face sick with pleasure; she held her breath and waited, in defeat, for it to be over.

There was a movement not too far away from the horrid scene. A small woman with short black hair stood several yards away. She showed no signs of emotion, nor any indication that she wanted to stop what was happening. She was waiting for him to be done so that they could be on their way and no one would be none the wiser to their little side trip. But wait, there _was_ emotion on her face. It was very subtle, but it was there--a smug little smile.

My mind suddenly rejoined my body among the trees. I glanced down at my clothes; the brand new white cotton v-neck and blue skirt I had on were now dirty and torn. The fabric stretched in all the wrong places as if they had been tugged at and there were several holes and tears in them. My skirt, which was mid-thigh length, was ripped from the bottom up to my hip, stopping just an inch away from the very top of it. My body felt constricted like I had an enormous amount of weight on top of me. As I took in my attire, my mind slowly and very unwillingly fit together all the jagged pieces I was trying ever so desperately to keep apart.

I felt so horrible for that girl. I wanted to help her. I wanted to save her. I wish I could hold her, comfort her and tell her that everything was going to be all right. I wish someone would tell her that it wasn't her fault--that it wasn't my fault. I wish there was another alternative to the truth but there wasn't. It happened to _me_. I was the girl in the field, the one on the ground, the one who had been…

I couldn't bring myself to think the word. I would surely cease to exist if I did. Suddenly I was plagued with questions that seemed to have no answers. What was I going to do? I absolutely couldn't tell anyone. I couldn't handle that. So how would I be able to hide it? And Edward. Edward, who loved me more than anything, who had just as much of a physical need to be close to me as I had for him, _had_ being the operative word. I couldn't bear to let him touch me. I couldn't bear to have him, or anybody else for that matter, even look at me. Not when I felt so helpless, so broken, so… violated. How could I face him when he got back? How could I face anyone?

I heard movement in the trees about 100 yards away from me. As I started to tense, I heard Alice's voice calling out through the trees.

"Bella? Bella, where are you?"

I couldn't find my voice to respond but since she was getting closer, I stopped wandering around aimlessly and leaned against a tree. About two seconds later, she burst through all the green, dropped a bag on the ground and rushed to my side.

"Oh, Bella! Oh, God. Are you okay?"

I looked at her with a pained expression. Just a split second before I was about to freak out over what I would tell her, I realized it was Alice. Alice, who could see the future. There was a good chance that she already knew, which was why she had tried calling me several times right before it happened. I had to assume that it was Alice who tried calling me because my cell phone was now smashed to pieces from the force of the second time I had been slammed down. As I looked into her frantic eyes, I knew I was right. She knew.

I shuddered involuntarily at the memory and before I knew it, Alice had me in her arms. The way I was leaning on the tree made me the same height as her.

She held me tightly and said, "Bella, I'm so, so sorry! I'm so sorry. I saw it just seconds before it happened and I tried to call you. Warn you. But it was too late. With the boys gone, I didn't know what to do. I thought about calling them, or Esme and Rosalie. I even thought about coming myself. But I saw that nothing _anyone_ did was going to stop it. So, as much as I hated it, I just took care of Nessie. I didn't want to upset her. When I saw you here, I waited until Esme and Rosalie got home, dropped Nessie off and came to find you. I'm so sorry, Bella! I'm sorry!"

I pulled back just enough to give her a look as if to say "Don't be stupid; it's not your fault," which I was pretty sure she understood.

She took a sharp breath and pleaded, "Bella, please say something. Anything. Please."

I took a very careful breath and whispered, "I want to die, Alice. I really want to die."

I shook violently as heaving, dry sobs exploded their way out of me. Alice rocked me back and forth to soothe me. My legs suddenly felt like jelly and I couldn't remain standing. Still gripping Alice, I slid down against the tree towards the ground. We stayed like that for a long time.

Before long, the sun was setting. I had calmed down some and Alice convinced me to hunt before going home. It took me a while to bring down a giant elk because I just couldn't focus. After several attempts, I finally got him and let myself surrender to my thirst. When we were done, she scooped up the bag she had dropped to the ground and pulled out a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt for me.

"I didn't think you'd want to go home in that," she said to me, eyeing my appearance with a pained expression. I took the clothes from her and disappeared behind a tree for a minute. I pulled off the torn fabric and slipped into the comfortably shapeless clothes. I walked back to her and she took the damaged outfit from me. "I'll take care of those." She ran her fingers through my hair, I assumed, to fix it. When she was done, she put her arm around my waist and pulled me along. "C'mon. Let's go."

We walked home slowly at a pace that I would have normally been impatient with. I finally found a steady voice as I spoke to her.

"Alice," I said. "You can't tell anyone. Especially not Edward."

Alice sighed, "I won't say anything if you don't want me to."

"You're not going to argue with me?"

"It's not for me to tell. If this is what you need right now then I'll respect it. And anyway, I'm sure that you'll tell him in time. But don't worry about Nessie saying anything to Edward, you know, about Jane. I told her that everything was fine and that he would only get upset for no reason if he knew she'd been here. I'm sure when she sees you, she'll pretty much forget about it. Of course, I can't really see her future but from what I _can_ see, she won't say anything to him or anyone else. I'm confident about that. I'm good at controlling my thoughts around him, too. He won't find out from me. He won't find out at all until you tell him, which I'm sure you will when you're ready. I'm sorry for rambling. I just can't help it when I'm this worked up about something."

I smiled very slightly at her. She'd really thought of everything. She knew I would need time to, I don't even know what. Deal with it? How? I didn't know how to do that. But she obviously knew this is what I needed, so she was prepared to help me as much as she could. I was very grateful for that.

"And Bella," she continued, "if you need me, I'm right here…always."

"Thank you, Alice. I don't know what I'd ever do without you."

We stopped walking for a minute. She smiled then hugged me close and whispered, "You'll never have to find out."

We made it back to the house shortly after nightfall. We walked in and found Esme, Rosalie & Renesmee in the living room.

"There you are," Esme said. "What happened to you two? It's been hours."

Alice spoke up confidently, "Sorry. I went to the cottage to see if Bella was back from her errands yet but we crossed paths in the woods. We were both so thirsty that we decided to hunt before coming back. We would've called but we got distracted quickly."

Rosalie said, "Esme and I were thinking of going tonight. Anything decent at the moment?"

"Elk," I said, trying to keep my voice even as I sat down on the couch. "There's a big herd wandering around. Plenty to choose from…"

I trailed off as I looked at Rosalie. I vaguely remembered her story about how she came to be a vampire. I stared at her wonderingly. How had she done it? How had she been able to get past what those scumbags did to her? By killing them? Or was there more to it than that? Had she actually gotten over it to the point where she rarely even thought about it and, more importantly, it didn't control her life? She must have, because now she had Emmett. She could love him and be close to him and let him love her completely, emotionally and physically. But _how_? I wanted so badly to ask her how I could do that, but I didn't. I couldn't bear to tell her. I couldn't bear to think about it myself.

Rose caught my gaze and locked eyes with me. She was confused by my stare, with good reason. Before she got the chance to ask me about it, Esme got up and responded to my information about the elk which made me realize that barely a second had passed since I'd spoken about it.

"Sounds good. Let's go, Rosalie."

Rosalie moved now too and walked towards the door. Another movement caught my eye and I looked at my daughter who was sitting on the floor, drawing a picture. She looked at me, too.

"Are you going with them?" I asked Nessie.

She shook her head and replied, "No, Momma. I ate human food tonight."

I smiled at her as Esme and Rose left and asked, "Oh, really? What'd you have?"

"A hamburger."

"You're just like your grandfather," I chuckled half-heartedly.

She came over to me and sat in my lap.

She looked up at me and said, "You look sad, Momma."

I exhaled and briefly glanced at Alice, then said, "I am, baby."

She pressed her hand lightly to my neck and showed me a picture of Jane. She wanted to know if Jane was the reason I was upset.

"No, Nessie. Everything went fine," I lied. "She really did just talk to me. She didn't hurt me." I was relieved that I could add at least that tiny bit of truth to what I was saying.

"Then what's wrong?"

Alice said, "She just misses Daddy, Nessie."

Nessie looked at me and I nodded, reassuring Alice's claim.

She said, "Well, Daddy called a little while ago. He said they're going to be home the day after tomorrow. He sounded sad too, when I said that you were out. He wanted to say hi. He said he tried calling your cell phone but it must have been off."

_Broken into a million little pieces, just like me, is more accurate,_ I thought to myself.

"He told me to say he loves you, Momma."

I smiled down at my little girl and said, "Thank you, Nessie."

She hugged me, then went to clean up the work of art she'd been working on . Alice came over and sat beside me.

"I'll come keep you two company at the cottage tonight."

I shook my head, "No. I appreciate it Alice, but I just want to be alone with Renesmee tonight."

Alice nodded and said, "You know where to find me if you change your mind."

I smiled at her and got up. Nessie kissed Alice goodnight and we went home. We didn't rush to get to the cottage. We made the trip at a relatively normal human pace. As soon as we walked in, Nessie made to pull me towards her room so that I could tuck her in. I let her drag me a few steps before I stopped her.

"Do you want to sleep in my room tonight?" I asked her.

She blinked at me, knowing that this was something unusual and asked warily, "Why?"

I shrugged, "It'll make me feel better."

She smiled and said, "Okay, Momma."

We laid in my big bed and she slept in my arms all night. I watched her sleep and I couldn't help but notice how peaceful she was. I was weirdly overwhelmed with joy that she was a happy child, and I promised myself that I would make sure she always stayed that way.

The next day flew by rather quickly. Alice stayed close by me after Jacob showed up. He scared the hell out of me when he grabbed me playfully from behind in the backyard. My mind was so focused on other things that I barely heard him sneaking up on me and I didn't have time to compose myself. Luckily though, all I did was jump out of my skin. He apologized for startling me and asked me how I didn't hear him, but quickly forgot his question when Nessie ran towards him. Alice, who was across the yard at the time, saw that I was about to lose it and quickly whisked me away into the house where I hyperventilated for a few minutes. She didn't leave my side after that, until I took Nessie home to sleep. I held her as she slept again that night and as my mind took me places that I didn't want to go, throwing me deep into the vivid nightmares I had to suffer through while remaining fully conscious, I held my daughter tighter in my arms.

The following day went by a lot slower as I became very anxious about Edward's return. Alice had gotten me a new cell phone exactly like the one I had. It even had the same phone number so no one would ever know the difference. Edward hadn't tried calling since Friday, which I was relieved about. What was I going to say to him? I already knew that I couldn't tell him what happened. He wouldn't be able to deal with it. I couldn't even deal with it myself. I couldn't help but worry about how I was going to react to him when he tried to hold me, kiss me. I would have to put on a brave face for those things, but I'd have to find some reason not to make love with him. I couldn't handle that. Even if it was Edward, I couldn't let him get that close.

Around three in the afternoon, I noticed Alice watching the trees to the west of the house.

She looked at me and said, "Less than ten minutes."

I nodded and she moved next to me and squeezed my hand. I smiled slightly and she let me go, walking outside. She knew that I was worried but determined not to tell Edward. She respected that. I followed her out into the backyard. For late October, it was pretty nice. According to Alice, the weather would stay nice through most of November. I breathed in through my nose, taking it all in. I managed to catch their scent in the breeze. They weren't far at all.

Just a few minutes later, Jasper came bounding out of the trees and Alice flew into his arms. Carlisle was next, gracefully moving to hug Esme. Finally, Emmett and Edward came into view. Emmett tackled Rosalie and neither bothered to come up for unnecessary air. Edward headed towards me, but Renesmee got in his path and ran for him with her arms spread wide, clutching a piece of paper in one of her hands.

"Daddy!" she exclaimed.

He scooped her up in one fluid motion and twirled her around. He kissed her on her forehead.

"Hello, my Nessie," he said in his smooth, velvety voice.

"I missed you."

He beamed at her and said, "I missed you more."

Nessie glanced at me then quickly turned back to him and said, "Momma missed you the most. She was very upset that you were gone so long."

My breath caught.

"She was? Well then, I should go right over and say hello to her."

"Wait! I made you something."

She handed him the paper, on which was the picture she drew the other night. It was a picture of the three of us--Edward, Nessie and I. The caption on the bottom was just two words: My Family.

Edward smiled at her and said, "It's beautiful, Nessie. I love it. I'll always keep it with me." He folded it in half and slipped it into the inside pocket of his jacket.

She smiled and kissed him on the cheek. He put her down gently on the ground and she ran over to Emmett, who had finally come out of his lip lock with Rose, yelling, "Uncle Em Bear!"

Edward locked eyes with me. I managed to keep myself composed, even though I was screaming on the inside. Edward was standing right in front of me in just two strides. He took my right hand in his left, while his right one stroked my cheek. I exhaled sharply as his skin touched mine, feeling both happy and frightened. I ached for him to hold me tight in his arms, but I also fought the urge to cringe and shove him away.

As he still gazed into my eyes, he smiled and said, "Hello, love."

I was surprised at how strong my voice was. "Welcome home."

"It's good to be back. I missed you terribly."

His face was just inches from mine now. I knew it was coming and I struggled to brace myself. I placed my left hand on his hard chest; it seemed innocent enough, like I was simply closing the distance between us.

"Me too," I whispered.

He didn't waste anymore time. His lips suddenly crushed mine and I was relieved to see that my mental preparation worked well. I didn't push him away. I didn't panic as much as I thought I would. I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted to feel his love for me throughout my body. But I wasn't totally there. My mind was swimming with those unwanted thoughts and images once again, and with them came all of the horrible feelings that I'd fought so hard to keep away. My lips weren't anxious like his and they didn't hold their own. I reverted back to my human way of kissing him--letting him take the lead as if he still had to be careful. But he _did_ have to be careful. I needed him to be. He just didn't know it.

It didn't take him too long to realize that I wasn't as into it as he was. He pulled away from me with deep confusion in his eyes.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing," I breathed.

He arched one perfect eyebrow and shook his head. He knew something was wrong. I quickly grabbed the first thing that came to my mind and prepared myself to speak it.

"Bella…" he started but I cut him off.

"It's just, I hated having you gone so long. I was smothered with a lot of unpleasant memories." _Just not the ones you're thinking of_, I added mentally. "I know it's silly, considering I chewed you out for not flat-out telling me that you were going, but it's the truth." And it was--sort of.

He still looked confused but now tremendous guilt clouded his golden eyes, too. He looked as if I'd just slapped him hard across the face. I knew how much he regretted leaving me so long ago, and how much he hated himself for it. I hated using it against him, with the pain that it caused him displayed clearly on his face, but what else could I tell him? Certainly not the real truth.

He took a deep breath and said, "Bella, I'm so sorr--"

I cut him off again. "Don't. Like I said, it's silly. I know you'll always come back to me. I'm not afraid of that. I guess it's just hard to let go of those feelings, even after all this time." I bravely stroked his face. "It's ok. I'm ok," I lied to him.

I reached up on my toes and gave him a quick but sweet kiss. I pulled back so that I could look into his eyes and smiled at him. He seemed convinced, for now, that everything was all right. He put his arm around my waist and we walked towards the house. I sighed silently to myself. I'd dodged the first bullet. Now I wondered if I had the strength to dodge the rest.

* * *

**PLEASE REVIEW! I'D LOVE TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK!**

**-Nicole**


	5. Broken

**Oh my God. I can't even begin to apologize for how long it's been since I've updated. School finished on a not so good note, I had to take a summer class so that my fall semester wouldn't be too full, and to top it all off, I got summoned for Grand Jury Duty AND was chosen! So for the last 3 1/2 weeks, I've been doing my civic duty to the State of New York by serving as a member on one of the Grand Juries on Long Island. It's been interesting, I won't lie. But it's also been time consuming. Anyway, nothing excuses my absence for so long so I'm just going to shut up now and get on with the story. This is an angsty chapter. You've been warned.**

**P.S.- I'll be updating Permanently Yours as soon as I finish writing the next chapter. It's about half done. All I ask is for a little more patience. Please!**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight.**

The next few weeks were torture. I tried to avoid alone time with Edward as much as I could but it didn't always work out in my favor. His first night home wasn't so bad. When he tried to get me in the mood, I simply told him I'd rather he just hold me in his arms all night. He seemed a little disappointed at first but then he happily agreed to my alternative. Apparently, just having me close was enough.

But the next several times he tried to be romantic didn't go so well. The best I could do was come up with really lame excuses as to why I didn't want to. I used everything I could think of like, "The cottage is a mess, I might as well clean it good while I have the time," or, "I promised Esme I'd help her rearrange the living room." The stupidest thing that came out of my mouth one night when Jacob was getting ready to leave after Nessie had gone to sleep was, "Hey Jake, you can stay if you want. I'm sure Nessie would love it if you were here when she woke up and you were just going to come back in the morning anyway, so why not save yourself the trip?" That's all it took for him to crash on the couch for the night (as well as several other nights after that), and it only took the first sentence to disappoint Edward again because I knew he wouldn't try to be intimate with me if Jacob was in the next room.

When it got harder to come up with those kinds of excuses, I started going on last minute hunting trips with whomever happened to be going at the time just so I could get away from him. Even Charlie's quiet birthday dinner was a disaster. All Edward kept trying to do while we were there was hold my hand, but I kept pulling away. I couldn't help it. It was sort of just a reflex reaction; every time he tried to touch me, even if it was in the gentlest way, I pulled away without even thinking about it. He got frustrated very quickly, as I knew he would. So, in a selfish attempt to make things easier on myself, I started keeping my distance during the day as well. This just made him angry.

With no real explanation for my actions, he had a hard time keeping his cool. Edward never went off on me, but I knew Emmett and Jasper weren't so lucky. He couldn't figure out why I was acting the way I was and he lashed out at his brothers a couple of times when he got really aggravated about that fact that I always seemed to be running away from him. I could understand how he felt. His wife, whom he knew without a doubt loved him more than anything in the entire universe, was doing everything in her power to stay as far away from him as possible and he had no idea why. I hated having to lie to him and keep my distance, but I didn't know what else to do. Every day that went by became more difficult for me to get through because the nightmarish memories wouldn't ease up. That agonizing scene, as well as many horrible old memories too, kept replaying themselves over and over again in my head all day and all night, continuously.

At first, I wanted desperately to be able to sleep for just a few hours so that I could escape reality, but I realized that it would probably just be worse if I were unconscious. I remembered vaguely how real my nightmares had always felt when I was human so eventually, I became glad that I could no longer sleep. Still, I hated the fact that my mind plagued every second of my life with such horrible memories, new ones and old ones combined, and there was nothing I could do to stop any of them.

After almost a month of being rejected and avoided, Edward finally reached his breaking point. It was the middle of November. I was at the cottage just fussing around with stuff in an attempt to keep myself busy so that my mind wasn't free to take me where I didn't want to go. It was sort of working. The images were coming in quick flashes as opposed to a continuous film. I was very grateful for this. I had some time all to myself. Alice, Carlisle and Esme were up at the house. Carlisle was finalizing plans to go visit Tanya's family for a few weeks with Esme. They were leaving in the morning. Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper were out hunting for the evening. Edward and Renesmee had gone with them. Or so I thought.

I heard him come up behind me, slow and silent. I turned to face him before he even said anything. I could see that he was concentrating very hard, like he was trying to figure out how to word something. I wasn't as hesitant.

"What're you doing here? You said you were going hunting with the others. What did you do, just leave Nessie with them?" I didn't mean to sound so nasty but I did.

His face was smooth and expressionless; his voice, soft and even. "I decided to come back because I didn't want to miss an opportunity to get you alone."

"Why?" My voice was shaking.

"To talk. Just you and me. Can we do that?"

I must not have hid my resistance very well because he held out his hand to me and with a pleading expression asked, "Please?"

I sighed and took his hand. He pulled me gently towards the oversized chair in the corner and we sat down. He held my hand tightly in both of his and took a deep breath. He waited until my eyes were on his before he spoke.

"Bella," he said softly. "I know that something's going on with you and I can't for the life of me figure out what it is. I've tried to be patient. I've been waiting for you to come to me on your own to talk to me about whatever is bothering you. But it seems like the longer I wait for you to come to me, the farther away you push me. You never want to spend any time with me. It's almost like you're _afraid_ to be alone with me. Did I do something to upset you? I mean, I know you were more hurt than you thought you would be when I was gone for those two weeks. But, you said you were okay. Did you just say that so I wouldn't feel bad? I know that I hurt you beyond reason when I left you so long ago. I will never forgive myself for it. But I didn't know that it still upset you so much. Is that why you're mad at me?"

I shook my head and said, "No, I'm not mad at you. You haven't done anything wrong. I've just… had a lot on my mind lately."

"Like what?"

"Just stuff. It's nothing for you to worry about. I'm fine."

"But I am worried, Bella. About you. It seems like no matter what I do, you just don't want to be near me. You're always running off by yourself or surrounding yourself with so many people that it's impossible to have a private conversation. If you're not doing that, you're off with Alice somewhere. The two of you are joined at the hip these days."

"So it's a problem for me to be close with your sister?" I didn't try to hide the frustration in my voice.

"Of course not. But the two of you are hiding something. Not just from me. But both of you are going to great lengths to keep it from me especially. You by running in the opposite direction every time you see me and Alice by filling her head with such nonsense that nothing is at all comprehensible. It's annoyingly frustrating."

"It's only frustrating because you're so used to knowing everyone's business from being in their heads."

"Ok, fine. Maybe I have developed a sort of expectant attitude when it comes to hearing people's thoughts. But that's not the point. The point is that you're keeping something from me and whatever it is, it's effecting our relationship. You've been so distant with me. You never talk to me, you don't want to be _alone_ with me. You look like you're upset all the time…"

He trailed off, surprisingly confused, when he saw my face. My expression was livid. I knew what he meant when he said that I didn't want to be _alone_ with him. That was all it took to send me into a full-fledged fury.

"Back up a second. Is that what this is really about?"

"What do you mean?"

"This. Whatever this is right now. Is it just because we haven't been together since you've been home?"

He scoffed, "That is not what this is about."

"That is exactly what this is about!"

He rolled his eyes. "Be reasonable, Bella."

"I am!" I hadn't realized I was screaming until now. I pulled my hand out from between his and stood up. I was so angry, so hurt. I knew I was being irrational. This was just a reaction to the terrible secret I was keeping from him. I knew that. But I couldn't hold it in anymore. I let the part of me that was full of rage lash out at the man who deserved it the least. "You're sitting here hurling these ridiculous accusations at me when what you're really mad about is the fact that I haven't had sex with you in a few weeks!"

His voice was louder this time, though still not as loud as mine. "That's not true!"

"Sure it is," I scoffed. "Guys only have one-tracked minds. All you think about is sex! Is it so hard to understand that maybe us girls have different priorities?"

"Oh, c'mon. It wasn't too long ago that you used to throw yourself at me every chance you got."

"So now this is about you not liking my lack of interest, is that it?"

"Stop twisting everything I say into something utterly insane!" He was angry now.

"It's not insane if it's true!" I yelled at him.

He got up to look me straight in the eyes as he spoke. "Bella, this is getting out of hand. All I'm trying to do is talk to you and you're flying off the handle for no reason. I don't know what's gotten into you but it's scaring me. Please, love. Just tell me what's wrong."

I took a deep breath and said, "We're what's wrong."

Shock flashed across his face as he tried to interpret what I had just said.

"What do you mean?"

"We are what's wrong here. Our relationship, our life. It's not in a very good place."

He took a step back and was very quiet for an entire minute. It looked like it took a lot of effort for him to keep his voice steady when he spoke again.

"I don't understand what you're saying, Bella. Just break it down for me as simply as you can."

I took another deep breath. This was my chance to rid myself of some of the pain I'd been hiding. There was a lot that I needed to say, a lot that I wanted to tell him. But I still couldn't bring myself to tell him what happened to me. What I could do though, was tell him how I felt without exposing my secret. I braced myself as I spoke.

"Edward, we're not in a good place. We never really have been. Even when I was human our relationship was… twisted. When you were away, I felt as if I was lost without you. And feeling that way made my mind mess with me pretty badly. The memories of all the horrible things that have happened to me came flooding back, stronger than ever. I couldn't escape them. I still can't. But after a while, I realized something. All of those horrible things happened _after_ I met you, after I centered my whole life around you.

"My entire existence depends on you. When you left me for my own good, it destroyed me. I became a creature of the living dead. It literally killed me, in every sense of the word. I was nothing without you. And all the other bad things that have happened to me, well you were right from the very beginning-I'm a danger magnet. Time and time again, I had to count on you to save me whether from myself or something else. I never saw it before but now I do. I'm totally and completely dependant on you, and it's not healthy for me. I thought I was over that but I'm not. It's smothering me and it's killing me. Every time that I did something stupid, every time that I worried myself sick over the danger that I'd put you and everyone else in, every time that I was hurt whether it was physically or emotionally, a part of me got damaged."

His face twisted with pain as I explained all this to him. He didn't try to interrupt me at all. He listened very closely-whether because he wanted to hear it or because he needed to, I wasn't sure. Either way, I continued.

"I'm a complete damaged mess. I'm so broken that I didn't even realize how many pieces I was broken into. Now that I do, I have to fix myself. But I can't even begin to attempt it when I feel like I'm suffocating. That's what I've been trying to do these last few weeks-I've been trying to breathe. I need to breathe. I need to remember who I am. Who I am… without you. Because if I can't remember me, then I'll never be able to put myself back together again."

I shuddered as my painful monologue came to a close. Everything I told him had been the truth. My life was falling apart. I was falling apart. My entire life had been decimated to the point where I felt like I had no reason for living anymore. Spending forever with my daughter and the man I loved held no interest for me as long as I was lost among my nightmares, a victim of my own mind.

Edward sank down onto the chair again as he tried to process everything I said. I couldn't read his expression and it hurt too much to watch him digest my words. It was clearly very painful for him to hear all of that from me. He wasn't sure as to what I was getting at though, I could tell. I turned away from him and stared out the window as I waited for him to respond.

After a couple of minutes, he finally spoke. His voice was hoarse and tight as he choked out his words.

"What are you trying to say, Bella? Are you saying that you think it would be better for you if we weren't together after all?" The agony in his voice was so severe.

"No," I answered quickly. I didn't want him to think for a second that that's what I meant. "That's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying that I need to figure this out on my own first."

"And while you figure it out, you don't want me around?"

"I think it would be a good idea for you to go with Carlisle and Esme to visit Tanya's family for a little while."

I heard his breath catch for a minute then he composed himself again.

He replied in a surprisingly gentle voice, "If that's what you need me to do, I'll do it."

"Thank you," I breathed.

He came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. He hugged me tight for a second, then let me go. I heard him moving towards the door, when I suddenly had to say more. Still not the whole story, but enough to let him know that I would need him eventually and that he needed to try to brace himself for it as best as he could.

"Edward," I called, my voice trembling with pain. "There's something else. There's more to it than just what I've told you tonight. It's what really set all this in motion. I'm not ready to talk about it. I can't handle it right now. That's why I need to do this first. I need to fix the broken parts of me from before so that I'm whole enough to handle this. Can you trust that when I am ready to face it, when I'm strong enough to survive it, that I will tell you everything? Because I _will_ need you, more than you can possibly imagine. Can you trust that?"

He was close behind me again. He turned me towards him and pulled my chin up until my eyes met his anxious gaze. I saw my own pain reflected in his amber eyes. This made me shudder violently.

When he spoke, his voice was no louder than a whisper and was as soft and velvety as ever.

"My Bella, I love you more than anything in this whole world. I will love you forever, until the end of all time and longer still. I will do anything for you. You need me to go, so I'm gone. When you want me to come back, just say the word. And when you're ready to let yourself fall, I promise that I will catch you and that I'll never let you go."

He pressed his lips gently to mine and kissed me ever so sweetly. He pulled away after only a second and gracefully walked out the door, pulling it closed behind him. I stood there alone, still reeling from all of it. I didn't even notice when Alice came in. I only became aware of her presence when, just as she had done that horrible day in the woods, she began to gently rock me back and forth in her arms as I sobbed tearlessly on the floor.

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	6. Prisoner

****

**Ok. So I know I suck. Seriously, it's been forever and you all have probably forgotten about me :( This story has only gotten 10 reviews for the 5 chapters I've put up so far, and my lack of upating hasn't helped in the least. I hope if there's anyone left out there who's still interested in reading this story, that you will forgive me for being M.I.A. for however many months it's been. School sucked. That's all I can say. But I'm done with school for good now so I promise I will be trying to get back on track with my chapters for both Setting Sun and Permanently Yours. Please just have faith in me. That's all I ask.**

**Disclaimer: SM owns all.**

****WARNING! This chapter contains talk of rape. Nothing very detailed, but it's mentioned. Just thought you should know.

* * *

Time seemed to go by extra slowly after that. Every hour felt like a year, every minute felt like a month, every second felt like a week. Everything seemed to happen so fast and so much seemed to happen at once. My senses were oddly heightened. My eyes registered each and every little flick of a movement. My ears heard every tiny little sound, even silent ones. My nose seemed to pick up every individual scent within a ten mile radius. Everything was just overemphasized.

Alice stayed with me that whole night. I never found the strength to pull myself up off the floor, and she didn't try to move me. She just held me tight. There were moments when it felt like the tiny little cottage was shaking just as uncontrollably as I was. I don't know exactly how long we stayed like that. Like I said, time was immeasurable.

I never understood the purpose of tears. Crying was something I used to do when I was happy or sad or scared. It was mostly involuntary. It wasn't until after I could no longer shed a tear that I realized how important it was. Having tears run down your face and cloud your vision was your body's way of melting your problems and letting them wash away, even if only for a little while. But crying as a vampire made that impossible. My perfect, flawless body would never allow me to wash away my problems. All my sobbing did was reinforce the fact that all my troubles were securely locked inside me for the duration of my existence and ironically, that made me sob even harder.

Edward left the next morning. Carlisle and Esme were happy to have him join them. They didn't question me about anything when they said goodbye. Obviously, Edward had told them not to. I managed to pull myself together shortly before they left, and Alice and I went up to the house to see them off. My appearance didn't seem to show any signs of distress, but I could see in their eyes that they knew something was wrong. Why else would Edward be going with them, alone, for so long?

Edward held our daughter in his arms. She hugged him as tightly as she could and I saw a tear roll down her cheek. I envied her something terrible.

"Why do you have to go?" Nessie asked him.

"Because it's been a while since I've seen Tanya and her family, and this is the perfect opportunity to go visit them."

Nessie wasn't satisfied with that answer. "Why can't I go with you, then?"

Edward chuckled, "Because Jacob would be very unhappy if you were gone that long and you know the Denali's aren't as fond of him as we are, so there's no way he could come with us. Besides, you should stay with your mother."

Nessie looked at me and sighed. She turned back to her father. "We're going to miss you," she said, taking it upon herself to speak for the both of us.

He smiled a little less enthusiastically than he normally would have and said, "I'll miss you both, too. Very much. But don't worry, I'll be keeping you close to my heart." He pulled the family picture Nessie had drawn for him from his jacket pocket to show her what he meant.

After he placed the picture back in his pocket, he kissed Nessie on the forehead, set her down and said a quick goodbye to the others. He glanced at me before he walked out the door, a hint of hesitation on his face, but swiftly pushed it aside. Just a mere second later, he was gone. He, Carlisle and Esme piled into Carlisle's sedan, with Jasper behind the wheel. They drove off towards the freeway, towards the airport and away from Forks.

Away from me.

Once he was gone, time appeared to stand still again. I spent the morning with Nessie and Alice. Once Jasper got back from the airport, he joined us in the backyard. Nessie was getting her fill of the comfortable weather while she still had the chance. It was supposed to get cold by the end of the week and Alice saw that the first snow of the season was going to hit Forks by the second week of December. As Nessie ran around the yard with Alice, laughing and smiling, I felt a twinge of guilt.

I wasn't being a very good mother to my daughter. She was happy and wanted to enjoy every second of every day. There was nothing stopping her from doing that. I saw the longing in her eyes for me to join in on the fun but she knew me well enough to know that something was bothering me and that I wouldn't be much fun if I joined her. This just upset me more. I wanted so badly to be happy with her but it just wasn't possible.

Jasper was sitting about a foot away from me watching, too. He looked at me suddenly when he obviously felt my mood change. He seemed confused by it.

"Bella?" he asked. "What's wrong?"

I hesitated for a split second. "Nothing. I'm fine."

He seemed even more confused. "No, actually you're not. I know something's had you very upset lately and Alice asked me not to interfere. But right now, you're suddenly overwhelmed with guilt and I don't understand it. It doesn't make any sense."

He had a point. My usual moods were depressing, regretful and just plain sad. Guilt fit nowhere. I also had no idea that Alice had asked him not to adjust my moods. I was very grateful for that because I would no doubt feel a lot worse if a sudden cheerful mood brought on by Jasper inevitably wore off.

I shook my head. "Really, Jazz. I'm okay. It's nothing for you to worry about."

He was reluctant to accept my answer but did anyway. We went back to watching Alice and Nessie. After a few minutes, he spoke again.

"You know," he said, his tone light and friendly, "if there was ever anything that you needed to talk about, you could talk to me. I would never judge you or anything. I know you've got Alice but if you ever wanted a different set of ears, I'm a good listener, too." He smiled at me.

I gave him a little smile back. "Thanks, Jasper. I appreciate it but I'm okay."

"Well, in case you change your mind, just remember that the option's always on the table."

I nodded and he didn't push it any further.

The rest of that day, as well as the next several days went by rather strangely. I always felt as if time was dragging on but when I tried to look back over the passed time, I found everything to be a blur as if it all had gone by so fast. I spent most of my days in the cottage the same way I spent most of my hunting trips-alone. Most of my nights were spent watching Renesmee sleep as I unwillingly thought of myself as a horrible mother who shouldn't be responsible for protecting her precious little life when I couldn't even protect myself. Alice was always very reluctant to leave me because there were several times when I suddenly found myself sobbing uncontrollably. But, when the future seemed sure enough to her, she gave me my space. I had a lot of things to think about and I needed to do it alone.

All of those awful memories continued to swim around in my head on a never-ending basis. And now it wasn't just all of the near-death situations. It was all of the inexcusable actions and selfish decisions on my part too that haunted me. Not accepting Edward's story about how he stopped Tyler's van from crushing me, tricking Jacob into telling me the legend about the Cullen's, falling unconditionally in love with Edward despite the all the reasons not to, James attacking me in the ballet studio, me almost dying, Edward saving my life, me wanting to be a vampire…

I trembled at those.

Edward leaving me for my own good, me detaching myself from the land of the living after he left, Victoria coming back for me, me jumping off the cliff just to hear Edward's voice, Alice and I racing off to Italy to stop him from trying to get himself killed because of me, being threatened by the Volturi, me wanting to be a vampire…

I cringed at those.

The army of crazed newborn vampires that were created to kill me, Victoria coming after me for the last time, me knowingly hurting Edward and Jacob too many times just so I could keep both of them in my life, being re-threatened by the Volturi, me _still_ wanting to be a vampire…

Those made me want to cry.

Deciding to have Renesmee and almost dying in the process, me finally becoming a vampire albeit in a horrific way, the Volturi coming to destroy my daughter and all of us, lying to Charlie time and time again, leaving behind my mother and my friends, constantly putting everyone I love in danger simply because I couldn't seem to stay away from trouble…

It made me sick. All of it. Everything that had been conspired against me and everything that I had brought on myself completely and utterly disgusted me. I was embarrassed that I'd become so helpless and so hurtful. I always hated the fact that I was the reason everyone I loved was always at risk. It killed me to know how many times I'd come close to losing someone because they were fighting for me. I was a walking disaster, even as a vampire. It truly pained me to remember all of it. They were so clear and so strong; even my fuzzy human memories were unnaturally vivid. I fought so hard against them but I just couldn't keep them away. It felt like I was a prisoner inside my own mind; such heinous crimes had been committed and I had been the one sentenced to do the time.

Before I knew it, it was the middle of December. Christmas was only nine days away. It had been a month, exactly thirty days, since Edward had gone to the Denali's. Carlisle and Esme returned from their stay with Tanya's family a little more than a week ago. Tanya, Kate and the rest of their family had been ecstatic to have company for so long. From what I understood though, after listening in on a conversation between Esme and Jasper, Edward put on a good show for all of them. He did his very best to act like everything was perfect but they all saw right through him. His mind was no doubt filled with all of their concerned thoughts every day and night, but he refused to talk to anyone about it. It wasn't exactly as if he had much to share anyway. He was almost as clueless as the rest of them.

I missed him terribly. I wanted so badly to call him and tell him to come home. I wanted to feel his strong arms around me, protecting me once again. I wanted to smell his sweet breath and look into his golden eyes. I wanted to hear him say that he loved me. But I was afraid.

I knew that it was only a matter of time before I finally told him the truth. I had done what I wanted to do; I worked through all the bad memories, all the broken pieces of myself and I repaired some of the damage. I realized as I worked through most of those things that it was no use regretting any of them. Not anymore. They happened and I survived. All the danger, all the threats, all of the selfish and hurtful decisions-I survived them, as did everyone else. Sure, I put everyone I loved in danger many times. But it all worked out. Sure, I hurt Edward and Jacob repeatedly. But they handled it very well and formed an amazing friendship in spite of it. And sure, Edward seemed to grow accustomed to saving me. But maybe that wasn't such a bad thing. After all, it was now quite clear that I couldn't take care of myself at all. And I already knew that I was going to need him now more than ever when I finally, how did he put it, let myself fall. That I was sure of.

This secret weighed on my mind every second of every day. I couldn't escape it. It haunted me something terrible. I tried everything I could to not think about it but nothing worked. It was the strongest memory I had. I also found that, as I accepted and moved past all of the other horrible memories, this one became even stronger and more pronounced. It was so vivid that there were several times I could've sworn I was back in that field. It just continued to replay itself over and over again.

As I unwillingly watched the horrific scene play in my head, I couldn't help but wonder certain things. What if I had been stronger? What if it had happened just a couple of months before it did? Would I still have had enough newborn strength to fight him off successfully? Would I have been able to get away? Would I have been able to save myself? I desperately wished that I could know the answers to these questions that were burning holes in my head, but there was no way to know for sure. And since it didn't change anything, the images and the questions proceeded to plague me and in the process, push my sanity out the nearest window.

I didn't realize how bad I'd gotten until it happened-until I snapped. I guess I had tricked myself into believing that I was handling it somehow when in reality, all I'd been doing was ignoring it. It was still early in the day, barely afternoon, and there was just a light coating of snow on the ground. Carlisle and Esme came by the cottage to ask me if I wanted to go hunting with them. I graciously declined and they were on their way. I heard the chatter and the laughter all the way from my little home. I knew that I'd have to make an appearance at some point in the day so why wait. I ran through the woods towards the house. The laughter grew louder. I heard Emmett's booming voice loud and clear before I could barely even smell him. When I finally broke through the trees, I saw what all the commotion was about.

Emmett, Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Nessie and Jacob were all gathered around a big boulder by the edge of the yard. Emmett and Jasper were kneeling on opposite sides of it. I knew right away what was going on: arm-wrestling. Emmett and Jazz's hands were clamped together in the middle of their platform and their arms were shaking. They were putting a lot of force into this match but of course, Emmett won. Jasper wasn't a sore loser, even though Emmett was a bit of an egotistical show-off. He cheered for himself and flexed his arm and eyed his next challenger.

Jacob stepped forward and knelt down by the huge rock. He clasped hands with Emmett and it began. Jake lasted longer than I thought he would. He must have been practicing because I'd never seen him so controlled and focused. Still, it wasn't enough to beat Emmett. He was without a doubt the strongest vampire I knew. I let out a low chuckle; it almost sounded forced. I remembered a time when I was the strongest vampire in the house and how easy it had been to beat Emmett at arm-wrestling.

The strange sound that escaped my lips made them turn their heads towards where I stood. They'd obviously been so caught up in their fun that they didn't notice I'd shown up. Smiles lit up every one of their overjoyed faces.

"Hey, Bella! Want to have a go?" Emmett's eyes lit up hopefully. He really wanted me to join in.

I shook my head slightly. "I don't think so, Emmett."

"C'mon, Bells. It'll be fun. We all had a go, even Nessie," Jacob said, trying to lure me into the group.

Renesmee smiled at me and said, "I almost beat him, Momma! But I'm pretty sure Uncle Emmett was letting me win."

They all chuckled. Even I did a little bit. I couldn't help but smile back at my daughter.

"Go ahead, Bella. See if you can beat him," Rose chimed in. I could tell she wanted me to cheer up.

Emmett added, "Yeah, c'mon. Let's see if you still got any of that newborn strength."

When he put it like that, I did want to try. I knew that my strength wasn't what it used to be but I wondered if I still had those sudden bursts of power in me. I wondered if maybe that horrible day had just been a severe moment of weakness. I could think of no other way to find out than to go up against the strongest vampire around.

I took a deep breath and walked over to the boulder. I knelt down in front of it and took Emmett's hand. His beaming smile nearly blinded me as he spoke.

"Okay, little sister. Let's see what you got," he said.

"On the count of three," I prepared myself.

"One, two-"

"Three!"

His resistance met my arm with tremendous force. I used every bit of strength I could muster up in my attempt to win. I could feel my arm giving way a lot sooner than I wanted it to. I held on for a bit longer but in the end, I lost. It took him all of thirteen seconds to crush my arm to the oversized rock. I instantly felt the disappointment and anger that I really wasn't as strong as I used to be wash over me.

Jasper became alarmed by my sudden wave of emotions. I heard his breath catch but I didn't dare look at him. Then, Emmett starting gloating.

"Aw, what's the matter Bella? No longer a match for the champ? That's a shame."

I sprang to my feet and started to storm away from my family. I felt their eyes burning into my back, utterly confused by my reaction.

"Bella, I was just kidding!" Emmett called to me.

I ignored him and continued stalking off. He rushed to catch up to me and was only a few steps behind me when he spoke again.

"C'mon, Bella. Don't be like that. I didn't mean anything by it. I'm sorry."

I didn't break my stride. My head was swimming in a frenzied whirlwind of frightening images. Felix crushing me to the ground, laughing at my mediocre attempts to break free of his hold, ripping at my clothes, his hand sliding from my knee up my bare thigh…

I wanted to take a gun and blow the images right out of my head. I couldn't take it. His scent, his touch, his disgusting taste were all too real! It was excruciating.

"Bella, wait!" Emmett grabbed my arm to pull me back.

I didn't stop to think-I just reacted. Reacted as defensively as I could. I found a sudden surge of strength, in my voice and my body, as I heaved with all my might and threw Emmett off of me. I vaguely heard myself scream at him, "DON'T TOUCH ME!" as I did it. The next thing I saw, albeit very hazily, was Emmett flying backwards through the air. He sailed the entire length of the yard; I didn't realize I'd walked that far. When he finally landed, he smacked into the boulder he been using as a table and with an earsplitting crack, it shattered into thousands of little pieces. That sound snapped me out of it.

I suddenly saw them clearly, all frozen with shock. Jacob, Nessie, Alice, Jasper and Rosalie stood rooted to the spot while Emmett just gaped at me from where he laid crumbled on the ground. Out of the six wide pairs of eyes that stared back at me in horror, one pair in particular caught my gaze. From all the way across the yard, I could see the tears spill down my daughter's face as I saw my trembling reflection in her milk chocolate eyes.

* * *

**How's that for a chapter ending? Pretty intense, huh? If you want the next chapter, which is already written and ready to post, you're gonna have to review. Pretty, pretty please?**

**XOXO**

**Nicole**


End file.
